As a part of growing up, we go through many different challenges and struggles. Life throws situations at us that seem completely impossible to overcome. Sometimes these are with other people and some of the struggles and complications exist within ourselves. The struggles within ourselves are the worst because you don't want the help of anyone else. You battle with yourself against whether you should care or not, whether it means something or whether you're just being stupid.
Instead of following our hearts, we tend to follow our heads. As girls, we believe we know everything. We also believe that every guy is out there to hurt us. Occasionally, this fact isn't true. It's about 99.9% true and then there is that .1% that pops out of no where and shows you just how different one person can be from everyone else. It's almost like a slap in the face because you believed you knew it all and then this new idea of someone being different blows your mind. You can't wrap your head around it. It distracts you from everything and you begin to over analyze it all.
Thinking of where to start with the thoughts flooding inside of my head is the hardest place to start. But let's begin with the feeling of having lost myself this year. I began putting all my trust into one person and I felt completely vulnerable to every flourishing emotion in my body. I didn't know who to trust and I didn't know who was really influencing me in my life. I began to push everyone out and I began to just think of my emotions over and over again. Nobody wants be alone, right? That's what I always thought. But why's this such a bad thing? You learn who you are, what you want, and what you need. As you become independent, you also begin to trust yourself and the choices you choose to make. There's a few of us who think we're never alone but if you honestly think about it, we're all alone. At the end of the day, everyone thinks about themselves. You could spend all day dwelling on someone else but before the day ends, you will dwell on you and all the problems you supposedly have.
I feel numb. I'm searching inside myself for the feelings I used to get so easily. I used to feel my heart rush and my breath almost get lost somewhere in my throat. It's not really there anymore. I can't find any tears to cry because I'm stronger this time. I'm not falling for anything anymore. I needed you to prove to me that people do care. I needed you to show me that people are liars. I needed you to show me just how bad life can suck sometimes. But most importantly, I needed you to show me that it was okay to care again. I know it's okay now. I see that. I found the strength to push away from you and I found it inside myself to let go.
As we're apart every day, I do hurt. I do feel that. I feel the loneliness begin to come back but this time it's not as bad as before. As the time passes by, I get by a little better. It wasn't your fault, I gave up a long time ago. I watched the sparkle in your eye die out and I watched the blush in my cheeks begin to fade. I watched the smiles turn into tears and I watched the emotions turn into fights. I began to get scared to get hurt again and I shut you out. I passed the turn on falling harder. I pushed you out and I didn't think twice about it. I didn't want to tell you for you in case of trying to persuade me to think about it again. It was what I wanted and I chose it without you. I had to. I didn't have a choice. I didn't want to be without you but I had to be strong. I gave myself an ultimatum and you didn't get the vote.
"Love isn't as scary as everyone says. I found love once and I'm not afraid of it anymore. It's a feeling of happiness and when it's shared, it's pure. But, when it's a one way street, it's just not worth it."
I'll miss you, really I will. I'll miss your texts every morning, I'll miss the smile with heart in it, I'll miss having your heart, I'll miss your hugs and the way I fit in your arms. I'll miss the way I cried in your chest because the feeling of losing you was to much for me to bear. I'll miss the way you pour your heart out to me. I'll miss your touch, I'll miss our phone calls and the way I get butterflies every time you say my name. I'm gonna miss just about everything about you and that's okay with me. I wanted you to fight for me, you know the way you used to beg for me to let you to do. But hey, we're not the same people we used to be now are you? We're two completely different people wanting to completely different things and it's about time we realize this.
