Every single day.

I miss you. There I said it, I miss you like crazy. I miss you all the time, no matter what I'm doing or who I'm with. I think about you in everything I do, whether I'm out and about or just sitting in my room. I can't take your necklace off or remove the pictures because then this all becomes real for me and I don't think I can do that yet. I'm not over you but I'm doing a good job convincing everyone else that I am. I wanted you to think I'd moved on so that you could. You always deserved someone better than me. I knew it and so did you. You deserve everything in this world and in this life, and I couldn't provide you with that. I miss your smile because its the only thing that can get me out of a bad mood. I miss your laugh because it fills my heart with happiness. I chose to make mistakes this time for the both of us. I knew you should never be with me again, so I did what I had to do to make sure that you never got back together with me. I knew what I had to do because you told me from the start. I don't care how it makes me look and I'm going to have to learn to not care how it makes you think of me because I am so tired of making you miserable and unhappy. My heart hurts every night when I try to go to sleep because I know I'm only lying to myself. I know I'm not over you and I don't know why but I keep feeling like I'm not supposed to be. I wish I could talk to you because you're the only person who ever understood me completely and fully. I'm sorry that I had to hurt you. I didn't want to but I knew I had to. You're my whole heart and I think I know deep down you always will be. I think I also know deep down this wasn't how it was supposed to end. I think God has a plan for me and I think it still involves you. I think that every night God puts you in my dreams for a reason and I don't think it's coincidental that I fall asleep crying over you every single night. I don't think I'll ever fully move on because I don't think I really want to. I don't want to be with anyone else and I don't care about anyone else the same way I cared about you. I don't ever want to feel that way about anyone else. I swore my heart to you and I know for a fact it's still yours no matter how many times I lie and say its not. I'm good at pretending everything is okay during the day but at night I fall apart. When no one is around and no one can see me, I fall apart with my whole entire world caving in. I look through our pictures every night before I fall asleep and I cry until I'm tired because I can't sleep if I don't. I want to hold you one last time, I want to tell how in love with you I am one last time. But I know these things won't happen. I know I have to push forward everyday for the rest of time because I know you deserve better and I love you that much. I love you more than anything in this world and I'd give up anything just for it to work between us. I'd literally give my whole life for one last chance to work. You're the one thing in my life I know. You chose to take my heart and I don't think I'll ever get it back. No matter how much time passes, it'll always be you. Yes, always you.

Growing with time.

When you've finally had enough, growing begins to hit your heart. You feel like there's not a chance you could stoop any lower. You have good days, then you have bad days. When the bad days come, they hit hard as hell. You don't have much of an option but to endure the pain and work through it all. The memories, the love, and even words will tear you open. Nothing can stop everything from flooding in at once as it begins. You find yourself fighting all of the pain and trying to run from it instead of working through it. Once you can truly decide to work through it, the tears will flow just as much, but it gets easier to let them fall. After you get tired of crying, you'll feel a bit of strength inside of you. You'll feel less obligated to want to reach out to someone. Take that strength with stride and grow through it. Wake up every day telling yourself that the day is going to go right and that nothing can tear you down this time. Pick your head up, smile, and don't let anyone get in your way of being happy. Push out the ideas of thinking you aren't good enough and pull in the people who make you see clearly. Everyone deserves happiness, even when it seems utterly impossible for that to be true. Life is never simple. It takes sharp turns and knocks you down most of the time. But, the strongest people are the ones who get put through the most and still find a reason to get up every morning fighting. It's wrong to give up on yourself because one day you'll look back and be thankful that you kept going. Someone out there will be thankful that you never gave up on yourself and you'll be thanking God for the second chance. I know that right now everything I'm saying feels completely impossible but I also know that I've got to pick myself up off the ground, wipe away the tears, and put the past where it belongs. If someone leaves you, leave them. A heart is not meant to be walked all over, but to be cherished and flourished with love. If you aren't receiving that or feel as if you aren't good enough, you've given your heart to the wrong person. Don't make that mistake more than once. Each person you trust with your heart is a risk. You must decide which people are worth the risk and if you decide they are, love like hell and never look back. Second chances are always risks and should never be regretted. Grow with the days that continue on and continue being the amazing person you are. Don't forget how much you grow, and don't forget what this teaches you.

Everything is always okay.

My whole shell was on tight. The shell was used for protection and not a person in this whole wide world would see past that shell. That was the plan at least. But in life, plans don't always go accordingly. The boy came from nowhere. He was out of the blue and picked away every part of the shell until there was nothing left to it. The pores surrounded the boy and the girl, all the little pieces shattered on the ground. He wanted to throw it away for good and put it in the past but she was skeptical. She wasn't sure about it just yet. She had women's intuition and it's a good thing she did. When he left, she was alone. The shell was in pieces, she was by herself, and she was afraid. She wondered day after day how she would ever get by without him. She walked aimlessly around with no feelings, just numbness. It began to take over her body. She began to be comfortable in this feeling. Her heart was safe again, hidden under the numbness and pain she felt inside. The new shell she wore was the one of vulnerability. She didn't know how to put the past in the past where it belonged. As all the pieces of the past began to fade away day by day, the days got easier and the pain lessened. By removing the pictures, the letters, and all the shiny things, she felt her burden ease up on her and felt the past where it should be. She began to realize she had taken a step she truly believed she would never be able to do. The impossible had been possible for her and this reality hit like a freight train. Although she could still feel the vulnerability around her, she pressed on with her life and continued moving forward with her progress. She knew better this time around than to be the broken girl who gets used. By being used, this meant she was weak. She was stronger this time and she knew that deep down. This was when the reality of her situation began to take a toll on her. The boy was a dependent person. He never showed that to anyone but her. She knew all along she wanted him around, but it never hit her that she truly didn't "need" him the way he needed her. And this is why he left. The idea of him needing the girl was so frightening because he had been afraid to be left. So instead, he took his fear and placed it into her life. This boy made the girl so afraid that she would never trust again. But as the little girl began to move on with the ghosts of her past, she realized she would still be okay. Everyday she is reminded of the boy but she's learned to look past it and find beauty in the past and the way it all had to happen. She is not sad about it anymore, but rather she smiles at the memories and hides the sadness away in her heart. She found that being alone and without him was actually okay with her. And this fact alone, proved she was stronger than she ever believed possible.

Love is here.

No road is ever perfect but it's for the flaws and mistakes that we fall more and more for someone. The smile someone can put on your face is enough. The moments someone can take your breath away are the moments where we thank God we're alive. And last, the moments where you feel like you never want to leave that moment, those are the moments worth living for. These are all apart of falling in love. We don't fall in love with perfect people. We fall in love with imperfect people who are perfect for us. I believe that when you truly love someone, the whole world stops spinning when you aren't together. I believe that being in love is the greatest feeling and not worth giving up for anything. Love is an emotion that has no adjectives or nouns to even come close to being able to describe it. Love begins in your heart and spreads throughout your body. It can consume your life. A life without love is a life not lived. Love can make people do some pretty stupid things. Love can also drive some people crazy. The best love is being in love with your best friend. The moments where you get to be silly and just laugh at each other are the moments that all make it feel real. Being able to share trust in each other is definitely a virtue to cherish. Another virtue to cherish is patience. As hearts heal and wounds begin to open back up, as the other part of the love, you have to be patient and wait for the right time to come. If you try to jump back in so quickly, the wounds and scars can only get bigger. Another virtue needed is faith. Having faith in what God can bring to you is truly a magnificent thing to have in the relationship. With God helping to push the two of you forward, it feels like your heart is floating on air. Love is truly a beautiful creation. It's like a flower. It starts off small and closed. You have to properly feed and nurture the flower before it can open up to let everyone see it's beauty. After its open, it's vulnerable to all the surroundings. As long as you care for the flower, it will stay beautiful. We must do the same with love. It must be filled with care, compassion, and all the virtues necessary. Love is an emotion with no meaning but the greatest feelings.

Late night thoughts.

As I lay down, all the thoughts start to rush through my head. Why did I do that? Why woul I let myself do something so stupid? Why did I mess it all up? The answers never seem to pop up. Until I read something in a bathroom the other day. It was a quote I knew so familiarly when I was a child. The quote said life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. Life is about dancing in the rain. I began to try to put this quote into position in my life. Truth is, my life feels like a huge storm is hanging over my head and there isn't a way to get away from it. I see the light and I cling to it for dear life, but in the end, I lose grip. So I fall right back under the storm. So as I started to think about this quote, I thought of how to apply it. What I should do in order to make it apply in my life and to the current situations I find myself put into. I may be underneath a storm, but when that little light comes through instead of clinging to it, I need to hold it and cherish it for the little time I'm aloud to have. Instead of worrying about when I'll lose it, I need to think positively about the time I have with the light before the darkness comes back around. The harder I cling to the light, the more the storm wants to fight it and win it over. This applies in almost every situation. The storm will always exist in your life. It will never go away. But once you find your light, don't let it go. Make sure that you treat the light with care because you want the light to break up your darkness more often that the time you're surrounded by the darkness. Light conquers darkness everytime will always be the truth.

It sets back in.

The feeling so close to you sets back in. The feeling you know oh so well. It's best friends consist of crying, puking, and sleeping. You don't get out of bed. You don't stop crying. You can't smile. You feel yourself stop wanting to do anything. You feel as if everything around you is dead. That setting is depression. You fit in so well, it's as if you were born there. The people recognize you because you've visited before. You just can't shake the feeling out of you. You become scared of him. He is the one who controls you. He is the one you love and you broke him. You broke him, so he broke you. You saw it all crumbling around you and so did he. But you both couldn't give up. It's that L word that you were both afraid of. You squeeze yourself to feel something but everything is numb. Only his touch releases a bit of the pain and numbness inside. And when he leaves, all of it comes back. You knew better but the feeling of love told you that you couldn't resist. You couldn't resist this one. He was THE one. Yet you still played it safe. And after you let it all out there, you tried to run and hide. Only his grip was so tight, that you fell even deeper into him. You fell so deep that you knew you'd stay there forever. Until you without any insight of it happening, broke him. Now he visits with you.