I'm not sure when you'll come over this. I'm really not sure. But I have a few things I'd like to make sure you know. First of all, you are far from on your own with this. I've been where you are. I've been in your exact situation, the difference was though, I didn't tell anybody. The way you can tell me about it, makes you stronger than me in that situation. I dealt with everything on my own. And that wasn't right of me. It wasn't fair to the people I surrounded myself with. I was never in a good mood & I began shutting everyone who cared out of my life. I lost sight of everything that mattered. I became intensely depressed and I kept all of this inside my head. The only place I ever told anything to was this blog right here. I wrote everything down.
I want you to know that people do care about you. If you decided to take action and do something about your depression, you'd be hurting many people. And while in your head it doesn't seem that way, you would. In your head honestly, you're probably thinking, "Good, it'll hurt her. Maybe she'll care if I'm not here.. Maybe she'll miss me. I just want to hurt her the way she hurt me." Trust me dude, I've so been there. But one day, I realized how much hurt and pain I would cause those around me.
Your life is precious. You only have one life to live and while no one can tell you how to live your life, others can help steer you on the right track. The way you're thinking right now isn't clearly. Like I said, I've been there. I've been exactly where you are.
Let me guess, you feel as if no one cares about you because the one person you love more than anything, just doesn't love you back. Yeah, I've been there too. But I'm here to tell you, it gets better. As cliche as that sounds, it's so true. As time goes on, your heart will heal and you will grow from that. You'll realize that you're always going to care about that person but it's time to stop letting them control your life. I want you to see that I got through this and if I can do it, so can you. I let someone control and mess with my feelings for almost a year. It was uncontrollable. I couldn't do anything about it. But you know what, I saw the light in someone else. I found happiness in other things besides this person.
I don't know if this helps any, but I really hope it does. I'd hate to see you make the biggest mistake of your life because you feel like no one cares. People care Dylan, and they always have. That girl cares about you, but you've gotta live off more than that. You've just got to.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Untitled.
Pain:
" I don't forgive people because I'm weak. I forgive them because I am strong enough to know people make mistakes."
It's a sense of hurt but there are two different types. There is physical pain and emotional pain. Of course, right off the top of your head, you think getting cut open would hurt so much more than a broken heart. In reality, they both leave scars. The difference being you see the physical scar on someone you first meet. The emotional scar is hidden under the surface. You've got to prove you won't deepen that scar before you actually see it. If you still think physical pain hurts worse, you've never truly had your heart broken.
Trust:
" Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do. - Benjamin Spock "
It's not guaranteed. There are people who trust no matter what. Very few people in this world are guarded but occasionally, you find one of those few. They are not to be looked down upon. They are not to be rejected but given just enough time to tear down those walls. Lies build up these walls and only the truth can tear them down. Only the truth can free the heart again.
Understanding:
"You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”
Putting yourself in another person's situation; seeing it through their eyes; making sure you understand the situation well enough. Shoving yourself and your entire being into the concept to grasp it completely. You will then truly understand. Giving yourself to someone else is something most of us don't understand but as people, it's what we're all out looking for. That one person who understands you completely.
Innocence:
" “For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”- Ralph Waldo Emerson"
Innocence is the one thing we only receive once. It's gone for good once it's gone. There is no turning back, once you loose sight of your values, forgiveness doesn't matter much in your head.
Are you a leader or a follower? Do you follow your head or someone else's? The world is full of leaders. The world is also full of followers. You choose which one you are. You pick once. When you decide to be a leader, you have strong views and stand your ground. When you decide to be a follower, your foundation is shaky and you're never really sure what to do or what is "right". Getting lost in a sea of insecurities could ruin a person. Anyone could see that some of us crave love because we need it. Others crave it because they feel as if they want it. Very few don't crave it all because they've never experienced it. But, once they do, it's almost an addiction.
Give your heart a break somethings. The more hurt you run from, the more you'll find. The more perfect you want something, the worse it will be. Guard your heart and never let it break. It's hard to believe this if you've never experienced pain, but once you experience it, you'll never let yourself feel it again.
"I self destruct every relationship so that I don't get hurt... but in truth I just hurt myself worse in the long run.."
Jealousy:
“Never waste a minute of your precious life by squandering it thinking about people you don't like”
Everything changes. The table's turned and now it's the state of confusion. It's the bump in the road. What's the next step you wonder? None of us really know. We don't know who to turn to. You've felt this emotion before, and to be honest, you're quite familiar with it. You begin shutting everyone out again. It's your weakness. You're a strong person but everyone has a weakness. No one wants to face their weakness, no one wants to conquer it, and no one knows how to do either of these. You begin to let go of your strength and let the weakness flood through your veins. You let your weakness get the best of you. Jealousy roars through your body. You can't contain it. You feel as if you open up, you might explode. You feel anger and hate towards just about everyone. You begin to loose sight of who you really are and become that someone you swore you would never be. You swore you wouldn't do the things you're doing but hey, it's never too late. Turn everything around and be the person you want to be. Who says otherwise?
History:
"Even the knowledge of my own fallibility cannot keep me from making mistakes. Only when I fall do I get up again." - Vincent van Gogh
Living with your past on your heart. People bringing up old scars can be an intense struggle. People trying to see what's really inside your heart. They try to find the pain you have covered up. The covering you've built over time to guard your heart. The covering that is so thick and so far from transparent. It's grown and grown thicker over time. No one knows how to pull apart the layers slowly to see it. No one sticks around long enough. Every once in a while, someone will peel back a layer and as soon as they walk away, that layer and another one piles on. It's inevitable. You can't change a person but you can change the way that person sees you.
" I don't forgive people because I'm weak. I forgive them because I am strong enough to know people make mistakes."
It's a sense of hurt but there are two different types. There is physical pain and emotional pain. Of course, right off the top of your head, you think getting cut open would hurt so much more than a broken heart. In reality, they both leave scars. The difference being you see the physical scar on someone you first meet. The emotional scar is hidden under the surface. You've got to prove you won't deepen that scar before you actually see it. If you still think physical pain hurts worse, you've never truly had your heart broken.
Trust:
" Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do. - Benjamin Spock "
It's not guaranteed. There are people who trust no matter what. Very few people in this world are guarded but occasionally, you find one of those few. They are not to be looked down upon. They are not to be rejected but given just enough time to tear down those walls. Lies build up these walls and only the truth can tear them down. Only the truth can free the heart again.
Understanding:
"You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”
Putting yourself in another person's situation; seeing it through their eyes; making sure you understand the situation well enough. Shoving yourself and your entire being into the concept to grasp it completely. You will then truly understand. Giving yourself to someone else is something most of us don't understand but as people, it's what we're all out looking for. That one person who understands you completely.
Innocence:
" “For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”- Ralph Waldo Emerson"
Innocence is the one thing we only receive once. It's gone for good once it's gone. There is no turning back, once you loose sight of your values, forgiveness doesn't matter much in your head.
Are you a leader or a follower? Do you follow your head or someone else's? The world is full of leaders. The world is also full of followers. You choose which one you are. You pick once. When you decide to be a leader, you have strong views and stand your ground. When you decide to be a follower, your foundation is shaky and you're never really sure what to do or what is "right". Getting lost in a sea of insecurities could ruin a person. Anyone could see that some of us crave love because we need it. Others crave it because they feel as if they want it. Very few don't crave it all because they've never experienced it. But, once they do, it's almost an addiction.
Give your heart a break somethings. The more hurt you run from, the more you'll find. The more perfect you want something, the worse it will be. Guard your heart and never let it break. It's hard to believe this if you've never experienced pain, but once you experience it, you'll never let yourself feel it again.
"I self destruct every relationship so that I don't get hurt... but in truth I just hurt myself worse in the long run.."
Jealousy:
“Never waste a minute of your precious life by squandering it thinking about people you don't like”
Everything changes. The table's turned and now it's the state of confusion. It's the bump in the road. What's the next step you wonder? None of us really know. We don't know who to turn to. You've felt this emotion before, and to be honest, you're quite familiar with it. You begin shutting everyone out again. It's your weakness. You're a strong person but everyone has a weakness. No one wants to face their weakness, no one wants to conquer it, and no one knows how to do either of these. You begin to let go of your strength and let the weakness flood through your veins. You let your weakness get the best of you. Jealousy roars through your body. You can't contain it. You feel as if you open up, you might explode. You feel anger and hate towards just about everyone. You begin to loose sight of who you really are and become that someone you swore you would never be. You swore you wouldn't do the things you're doing but hey, it's never too late. Turn everything around and be the person you want to be. Who says otherwise?
History:
"Even the knowledge of my own fallibility cannot keep me from making mistakes. Only when I fall do I get up again." - Vincent van Gogh
Living with your past on your heart. People bringing up old scars can be an intense struggle. People trying to see what's really inside your heart. They try to find the pain you have covered up. The covering you've built over time to guard your heart. The covering that is so thick and so far from transparent. It's grown and grown thicker over time. No one knows how to pull apart the layers slowly to see it. No one sticks around long enough. Every once in a while, someone will peel back a layer and as soon as they walk away, that layer and another one piles on. It's inevitable. You can't change a person but you can change the way that person sees you.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Every little thing.
My box used to be so pretty. It used to shine like the sun. Over time, that changed. I made changes in my life to fit in or to because I thought it would make me feel better. I chose paths I knew weren’t right. I began following someone other than God. My pretty little box started to rip and it lost its shine. It had hand prints everywhere and it had tears on every edge. I wasn’t ready to give it all up yet. I didn’t know the tears were only getting bigger as time went on. I didn’t realize how far I’d gone until it finally happened. My pretty little box was gone in the blink of an eye. I couldn’t take it back, the mistake. My once ripped little box was gone. It was in a stranger’s hands. It wasn’t with someone I loved or thought I loved, it was with a stranger. My little heart really couldn’t take much more after that. I’d had another chance at forgiveness until you decided to use me, without my permission. You knew exactly what you were doing, and you just didn’t care. I lost my most prized possession the day I gave away my box. That box had meant the world to me, up until that day. I didn’t realize how big of an effect it would have on me. I didn’t want anyone to know it bothered me wither because I freely chose what I did. I gave that box away with my own two hands. I let it all go without second guessing myself. I had dug myself so deep into a dark place. It felt like it was the only way out. Did it make me feel any better? No. Did it make me feel worse? Yes. I’d never been more ashamed going to school when everyone knew. It felt like I was walking around naked. Everyone knew about it all and there wasn’t anything I could do to hide it.
My faith began to die that day. My faith used to be hard as stone. I would never question it. I would never second guess anything. My foundation began getting shaky as time went on. My heart feels pain like it never has before. I still love you God. I’ll never give up on you because you’ve never given up on me. You never let me down. You’ve stood beside my side and made sure I always knew you were there, ever since I can remember. You’ve been there. I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry for the times I’ve disappointed you. I’m sorry for the choices I made that I knew were wrong. I took your forgiveness for granted. I took your love for granted. I let go of my relationship with you. I put wrong before right. I did what I thought was right in the moment. I didn’t think of the aftermath. I forgot about the attachment. I tried pushing myself to see if I could overcome my weakness.
Our minds go through a million emotions a day; pain, joy, sadness, jealousy, love, anger, hate, or confusion. These are only a few. Our bodies go through a variety of changes. Some of us are moody and others are not. Some of us show emotion very well, while others hide from it all. Embracing your emotions can be extremely hard for some people. Opening up to someone or trusting someone is quite difficult. Trusting the person who hurt you is also a very difficult task. Forgiving the person who hurts you the most though, shows true strength. Losing someone you care about is also painful, whether its death or they choose to walk out of your life. The experiences we go through everyday are quite complicated.
Now, you’re here. You’re someone to me. You make me happy and honestly, I feel safe. I love being in your arms. I love seeing your smile. I love the way you make me feel, as if being me is finally good enough. Every time two people care about each other, pain is coming. Everyone experiences their fights, the tears, the smiles, the kindness, and the care. Every time you get that funny feeling in your stomach, it’s real. Being with someone again can be difficult but we all get through it. After being down for so long, it’s hard to get back up. That’s when you came into my life. You’ve flooded my heart with kindness. It’s almost too good to be true. The way your skin feels against mine. The way your touch sends chills through my entire body. The way your smile can warm my heart. The way I get butterflies every time I get a text or e-mail from you. The way your eyes make everything better. The way you want to be different in my life. The way I want to make you happy is by far the scariest thing. I don’t want to mess up. I don’t want you to leave. I could be in your arms forever. I use to be afraid of getting hurt again but I don’t feel that way this time. It means something to me this time. It warms my heart and tickles my stomach. The way you kiss me can brighten my day and I love the way my body fits into yours. It always feels right. The ways your smile can make me smile. It’s almost unreal. The way you feel when you’re happy or when I know I’m doing something right. I also love how you can always tell when something is wrong and you just want to fix it. The way you open your heart to me and I really just want to protect you from getting hurt.
Finding that one person who makes you weak in the knees or makes it hard for you to breathe, that’s a person worth not letting go. If you’re one who struggles with running away, that’s okay. You’re not alone. Never letting someone in close enough to your heart, it’s exactly what we all face. Keeping your heart hidden from everyone, it’s just guarding yourself from the pain. It’s the pain in your stomach or the pain in your heart. It’s the lump in your throat and the tears welling up. It’s the fears in your head or the songs in your mind. The things you can remember make it so much tougher to get by; so much harder to give up. The fights we endure for the people we care about or the pain we endure to be a part of them is just part of falling for someone. Pushing your way through the doubts clouding your thoughts or the fears clouding your vision is just a test of your strength.
Being close to someone can scare the life out of most people. Can you do it? Can you embrace your fear, let down the walls, and let someone in? If you can, congratulations. Most people really can’t and that’s okay. We let someone in and before getting to close, you push them away a little more. They gain a step forward and you push them two steps back. You’re afraid to love again. You’re afraid to believe in happiness again. You don’t want the pain again. You keep telling yourself that pain is coming again. There’s a voice in your head pushing your self-esteem down. The voice tells you that you aren’t good enough and to give up already. It sits in your head long enough to take over your mind. It tells you that you don’t deserve happiness. But you do! You start convincing yourself that maybe you do. You get caught in the middle of being worth it and not worth it. You can’t form a right decision. That’s when you give up and almost lose hope. But, we are all worth it. People need to realize this. We can’t lose sight of the great in our lives. Everyone has a spark inside their soul and it’s just looking for a certain someone to make that spark shine so bright. EMBRACE IT.
My faith began to die that day. My faith used to be hard as stone. I would never question it. I would never second guess anything. My foundation began getting shaky as time went on. My heart feels pain like it never has before. I still love you God. I’ll never give up on you because you’ve never given up on me. You never let me down. You’ve stood beside my side and made sure I always knew you were there, ever since I can remember. You’ve been there. I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry for the times I’ve disappointed you. I’m sorry for the choices I made that I knew were wrong. I took your forgiveness for granted. I took your love for granted. I let go of my relationship with you. I put wrong before right. I did what I thought was right in the moment. I didn’t think of the aftermath. I forgot about the attachment. I tried pushing myself to see if I could overcome my weakness.
Our minds go through a million emotions a day; pain, joy, sadness, jealousy, love, anger, hate, or confusion. These are only a few. Our bodies go through a variety of changes. Some of us are moody and others are not. Some of us show emotion very well, while others hide from it all. Embracing your emotions can be extremely hard for some people. Opening up to someone or trusting someone is quite difficult. Trusting the person who hurt you is also a very difficult task. Forgiving the person who hurts you the most though, shows true strength. Losing someone you care about is also painful, whether its death or they choose to walk out of your life. The experiences we go through everyday are quite complicated.
Now, you’re here. You’re someone to me. You make me happy and honestly, I feel safe. I love being in your arms. I love seeing your smile. I love the way you make me feel, as if being me is finally good enough. Every time two people care about each other, pain is coming. Everyone experiences their fights, the tears, the smiles, the kindness, and the care. Every time you get that funny feeling in your stomach, it’s real. Being with someone again can be difficult but we all get through it. After being down for so long, it’s hard to get back up. That’s when you came into my life. You’ve flooded my heart with kindness. It’s almost too good to be true. The way your skin feels against mine. The way your touch sends chills through my entire body. The way your smile can warm my heart. The way I get butterflies every time I get a text or e-mail from you. The way your eyes make everything better. The way you want to be different in my life. The way I want to make you happy is by far the scariest thing. I don’t want to mess up. I don’t want you to leave. I could be in your arms forever. I use to be afraid of getting hurt again but I don’t feel that way this time. It means something to me this time. It warms my heart and tickles my stomach. The way you kiss me can brighten my day and I love the way my body fits into yours. It always feels right. The ways your smile can make me smile. It’s almost unreal. The way you feel when you’re happy or when I know I’m doing something right. I also love how you can always tell when something is wrong and you just want to fix it. The way you open your heart to me and I really just want to protect you from getting hurt.
Finding that one person who makes you weak in the knees or makes it hard for you to breathe, that’s a person worth not letting go. If you’re one who struggles with running away, that’s okay. You’re not alone. Never letting someone in close enough to your heart, it’s exactly what we all face. Keeping your heart hidden from everyone, it’s just guarding yourself from the pain. It’s the pain in your stomach or the pain in your heart. It’s the lump in your throat and the tears welling up. It’s the fears in your head or the songs in your mind. The things you can remember make it so much tougher to get by; so much harder to give up. The fights we endure for the people we care about or the pain we endure to be a part of them is just part of falling for someone. Pushing your way through the doubts clouding your thoughts or the fears clouding your vision is just a test of your strength.
Being close to someone can scare the life out of most people. Can you do it? Can you embrace your fear, let down the walls, and let someone in? If you can, congratulations. Most people really can’t and that’s okay. We let someone in and before getting to close, you push them away a little more. They gain a step forward and you push them two steps back. You’re afraid to love again. You’re afraid to believe in happiness again. You don’t want the pain again. You keep telling yourself that pain is coming again. There’s a voice in your head pushing your self-esteem down. The voice tells you that you aren’t good enough and to give up already. It sits in your head long enough to take over your mind. It tells you that you don’t deserve happiness. But you do! You start convincing yourself that maybe you do. You get caught in the middle of being worth it and not worth it. You can’t form a right decision. That’s when you give up and almost lose hope. But, we are all worth it. People need to realize this. We can’t lose sight of the great in our lives. Everyone has a spark inside their soul and it’s just looking for a certain someone to make that spark shine so bright. EMBRACE IT.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Why.
Why? It’s a question I deal with almost every day of my life. It’s a serious question in my head right now. Why did I let myself go that far? Why didn’t I protect my heart like I said I would? Why didn’t I protect myself from the pain I’d felt so many times before? Why didn’t I run? Why didn’t I leave you? Why didn’t I do what I knew what was best for me? Why didn’t I just leave you with her and let you be happy? Why did I interrupt in your life? Why did I believe every lie you told me? Why did I take a chance on you when I knew that wasn’t right? Why did I let your eyes get to me? Why did I let your smile brighten my day? Why did I let you make me so angry? Why did I let you take my heart and hold it? Why did I show you sides of me I never showed anyone else? Why didn’t I just let go when I should’ve? Why didn’t I let go when I knew I was supposed to? Why didn’t I just walk away, it’s what I’m good at. Why didn’t I just let you go use some other girl? Why did I let you play with my heart and my mind? Why did I let you get to me? Why did I let you know how I felt? Why did I want you always around me? Why did I tell you things I knew I would regret? Why did I do things I knew I would regret? Why didn’t I use my strength to my advantage? Why did I let my weakness take over? Why did I fall for that mistake again? Why did I live with lies? Why did I pour my heart to you only for you to rip it down? Why did I lose it all when I had just built it back up? Why did I let you control my happiness? Why did I believe you when you said you were happy? Why didn’t I listen when I told myself I could never make you happy? Why did I let you have control of my life..?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)