Scribble Scratch.

As a part of growing up, we go through many different challenges and struggles. Life throws situations at us that seem completely impossible to overcome. Sometimes these are with other people and some of the struggles and complications exist within ourselves. The struggles within ourselves are the worst because you don't want the help of anyone else. You battle with yourself against whether you should care or not, whether it means something or whether you're just being stupid.

Instead of following our hearts, we tend to follow our heads. As girls, we believe we know everything. We also believe that every guy is out there to hurt us. Occasionally, this fact isn't true. It's about 99.9% true and then there is that .1% that pops out of no where and shows you just how different one person can be from everyone else. It's almost like a slap in the face because you believed you knew it all and then this new idea of someone being different blows your mind. You can't wrap your head around it. It distracts you from everything and you begin to over analyze it all.

Thinking of where to start with the thoughts flooding inside of my head is the hardest place to start. But let's begin with the feeling of having lost myself this year. I began putting all my trust into one person and I felt completely vulnerable to every flourishing emotion in my body. I didn't know who to trust and I didn't know who was really influencing me in my life. I began to push everyone out and I began to just think of my emotions over and over again. Nobody wants be alone, right? That's what I always thought. But why's this such a bad thing? You learn who you are, what you want, and what you need. As you become independent, you also begin to trust yourself and the choices you choose to make. There's a few of us who think we're never alone but if you honestly think about it, we're all alone. At the end of the day, everyone thinks about themselves. You could spend all day dwelling on someone else but before the day ends, you will dwell on you and all the problems you supposedly have.

I feel numb. I'm searching inside myself for the feelings I used to get so easily. I used to feel my heart rush and my breath almost get lost somewhere in my throat. It's not really there anymore. I can't find any tears to cry because I'm stronger this time. I'm not falling for anything anymore. I needed you to prove to me that people do care. I needed you to show me that people are liars. I needed you to show me just how bad life can suck sometimes. But most importantly, I needed you to show me that it was okay to care again. I know it's okay now. I see that. I found the strength to push away from you and I found it inside myself to let go.

As we're apart every day, I do hurt. I do feel that. I feel the loneliness begin to come back but this time it's not as bad as before. As the time passes by, I get by a little better. It wasn't your fault, I gave up a long time ago. I watched the sparkle in your eye die out and I watched the blush in my cheeks begin to fade. I watched the smiles turn into tears and I watched the emotions turn into fights. I began to get scared to get hurt again and I shut you out. I passed the turn on falling harder. I pushed you out and I didn't think twice about it. I didn't want to tell you for you in case of trying to persuade me to think about it again. It was what I wanted and I chose it without you. I had to. I didn't have a choice. I didn't want to be without you but I had to be strong. I gave myself an ultimatum and you didn't get the vote.

"Love isn't as scary as everyone says. I found love once and I'm not afraid of it anymore. It's a feeling of happiness and when it's shared, it's pure. But, when it's a one way street, it's just not worth it."

I'll miss you, really I will. I'll miss your texts every morning, I'll miss the smile with heart in it, I'll miss having your heart, I'll miss your hugs and the way I fit in your arms. I'll miss the way I cried in your chest because the feeling of losing you was to much for me to bear. I'll miss the way you pour your heart out to me. I'll miss your touch, I'll miss our phone calls and the way I get butterflies every time you say my name. I'm gonna miss just about everything about you and that's okay with me. I wanted you to fight for me, you know the way you used to beg for me to let you to do. But hey, we're not the same people we used to be now are you? We're two completely different people wanting to completely different things and it's about time we realize this.

All of it hits at once.

I wanna begin with I really care. But I miss you... Kind of alot. I got used to seeing you, kissing you, and all of the sudden it just stopped. I guess it makes me upset because I feel like you don't want me anymore. I don't feel like I matter anymore.

When my feelings don't matter anymore, I begin to deal with it alone. I push everyone out my life. It's a constant habit I posses. I get confused and I get lost. I get scared and I just let everything sit in my head. I don't like talking to people about how I feel because it's either pathetic or they just don't care. And that's understandable, because at the end of the day, everyone thinks about their own problems.

Well when I lay down to sleep and we're fighting, it really is hard for me to sleep. I toss and turn all night. I worry about what you're thinking and all that good stuff. It's not fair that you can be in my head constantly and I'm never in yours. It's not fair that I hurt because I never get to see you, kiss you, or touch you anymore. It's not fair that you get to chose whether I have a good or a bad day. Its not fair that when we fight, I upset myself and everyone who tries to talk to me. I guess alot isn't fair, huh.

I hate feeling like I mean nothing. I hate feeling like every scar I hid, is coming back to life. I feel like you took my heart. I feel like you're gonna take advantage of how much I care about you, because I do. I care so much.

I'm an emotional person, I know this. But I don't cry over just anyone. I really have to care. And I mean, I know I tell myself all the time I don't just to convince myself into not getting attached. I don't want to give it all up while I don't even know how it's supposed to be..

Confusion is something I find every girl posses. We all think into things just to find every scenario that could possibly exist. We can't control the way our minds think, especially those who have been hurt before. After dealing with the pain, it's extremely difficult opening up to someone new and not thinking into everything.

But it's like someone once told me, the smiles and kisses that we do have, are the reason to stick around. The fights and time spent apart is only a bump in the road. No road is ever perfect but it's for the flaws and mistakes that we fall more and more for someone. The smile someone can put on your face is enough. The moments someone can take your breath away are the moments where we thank God we're alive. And last, the moments where you feel like you never want to leave that moment, those are the moments worth living for.

You don't even know.

I'm faced with "what ifs" all the time. I want to feel good enough for you. I want to be more than enough, and that you don't need another person. I want you to want me for my heart. I want you to want every flaw and every imperfection I posses. 

I need you to see me and see what I see. I need you to make me feel like when I give you my heart, it's safe. I don't know.. I want you to kiss me like you don't want anyone else. I want you to look at me with those eyes of yours that I love and tell me I'm exactly what you want.. 

I'm gonna lose myself in you. I'm letting go of all my fears as you tear down the walls around my heart. I already feel myself falling more and more.  I mean yeah, I like the feeling. I absolutely love feeling like someone will catch me when I fall this time but I'm also scared. If you aren't gonna hurt me, then the feeling is okay to me.

It's as if you're in my head reading every thought as I form it. You know exactly what to say, when to say it, and just how to make me feel better. It's so different. I want to be different from every other girl for you. I guess I just want to be someone to you. 

I question my heart and my motives daily. I'm pretty sure I want something out of this but sometimes I have doubts. Am I strong enough to not push him away? Can I keep your heart long enough before you walk away? These are just a few. 

It's when you dig into my heart for answers to my past that really get to me. I mean I tell you but when we fight, that really tears me up inside. You learn more and more about me, and I know things about my past aren't the best, but I still need to know it's okay. 

I really don't have any intention of leaving you. I see you leaving me all the time. I see it and I feel it. I see your feelings disappear with each day passing by. I don't see your face light up when you see me anymore. I don't see that smile with heart in it that you promised was there..

You just can't even see what you do to my heart. You could tear, rip, or throw it away and you don't even see that. The way my heart is filled by you every day. The way you fill my face with a smile and just a smile from you can make my day. You can't even see it. You wonder if I care or you question how I feel. There is no question or no doubt in my mind of the way I feel.

One day you'll see that.

Dear Dylan.

I'm not sure when you'll come over this. I'm really not sure. But I have a few things I'd like to make sure you know. First of all, you are far from on your own with this. I've been where you are. I've been in your exact situation, the difference was though, I didn't tell anybody. The way you can tell me about it, makes you stronger than me in that situation. I dealt with everything on my own. And that wasn't right of me. It wasn't fair to the people I surrounded myself with. I was never in a good mood & I began shutting everyone who cared out of my life. I lost sight of everything that mattered. I became intensely depressed and I kept all of this inside my head. The only place I ever told anything to was this blog right here. I wrote everything down.

I want you to know that people do care about you. If you decided to take action and do something about your depression, you'd be hurting many people. And while in your head it doesn't seem that way, you would. In your head honestly, you're probably thinking, "Good, it'll hurt her. Maybe she'll care if I'm not here.. Maybe she'll miss me. I just want to hurt her the way she hurt me." Trust me dude, I've so been there. But one day, I realized how much hurt and pain I would cause those around me.

Your life is precious. You only have one life to live and while no one can tell you how to live your life, others can help steer you on the right track. The way you're thinking right now isn't clearly. Like I said, I've been there. I've been exactly where you are.

Let me guess, you feel as if no one cares about you because the one person you love more than anything, just doesn't love you back. Yeah, I've been there too. But I'm here to tell you, it gets better. As cliche as that sounds, it's so true. As time goes on, your heart will heal and you will grow from that. You'll realize that you're always going to care about that person but it's time to stop letting them control your life. I want you to see that I got through this and if I can do it, so can you. I let someone control and mess with my feelings for almost a year. It was uncontrollable. I couldn't do anything about it. But you know what, I saw the light in someone else. I found happiness in other things besides this person.

I don't know if this helps any, but I really hope it does. I'd hate to see you make the biggest mistake of your life because you feel like no one cares. People care Dylan, and they always have. That girl cares about you, but you've gotta live off more than that. You've just got to.

Untitled.

Pain:
" I don't forgive people because I'm weak. I forgive them because I am strong enough to know people make mistakes."

It's a sense of hurt but there are two different types. There is physical pain and emotional pain. Of course, right off the top of your head, you think getting cut open would hurt so much more than a broken heart. In reality, they both leave scars. The difference being you see the physical scar on someone you first meet. The emotional scar is hidden under the surface. You've got to prove you won't deepen that scar before you actually see it. If you still think physical pain hurts worse, you've never truly had your heart broken.

Trust:
" Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do. - Benjamin Spock "

It's not guaranteed. There are people who trust no matter what. Very few people in this world are guarded but occasionally, you find one of those few. They are not to be looked down upon. They are not to be rejected but given just enough time to tear down those walls. Lies build up these walls and only the truth can tear them down. Only the truth can free the heart again.

Understanding:
"You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”

Putting yourself in another person's situation; seeing it through their eyes; making sure you understand the situation well enough. Shoving yourself and your entire being into the concept to grasp it completely. You will then truly understand. Giving yourself to someone else is something most of us don't understand but as people, it's what we're all out looking for. That one person who understands you completely.

Innocence:
" “For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”- Ralph Waldo Emerson"

Innocence is the one thing we only receive once. It's gone for good once it's gone. There is no turning back, once you loose sight of your values, forgiveness doesn't matter much in your head.

Are you a leader or a follower? Do you follow your head or someone else's? The world is full of leaders. The world is also full of followers. You choose which one you are. You pick once. When you decide to be a leader, you have strong views and stand your ground. When you decide to be a follower, your foundation is shaky and you're never really sure what to do or what is "right". Getting lost in a sea of insecurities could ruin a person. Anyone could see that some of us crave love because we need it. Others crave it because they feel as if they want it. Very few don't crave it all because they've never experienced it. But, once they do, it's almost an addiction.

Give your heart a break somethings. The more hurt you run from, the more you'll find. The more perfect you want something, the worse it will be. Guard your heart and never let it break. It's hard to believe this if you've never experienced pain, but once you experience it, you'll never let yourself feel it again.

"I self destruct every relationship so that I don't get hurt... but in truth I just hurt myself worse in the long run.."

Jealousy:

“Never waste a minute of your precious life by squandering it thinking about people you don't like”

Everything changes. The table's turned and now it's the state of confusion. It's the bump in the road. What's the next step you wonder? None of us really know. We don't know who to turn to. You've felt this emotion before, and to be honest, you're quite familiar with it. You begin shutting everyone out again. It's your weakness. You're a strong person but everyone has a weakness. No one wants to face their weakness, no one wants to conquer it, and no one knows how to do either of these. You begin to let go of your strength and let the weakness flood through your veins. You let your weakness get the best of you. Jealousy roars through your body. You can't contain it. You feel as if you open up, you might explode. You feel anger and hate towards just about everyone. You begin to loose sight of who you really are and become that someone you swore you would never be. You swore you wouldn't do the things you're doing but hey, it's never too late. Turn everything around and be the person you want to be. Who says otherwise?

History:
"Even the knowledge of my own fallibility cannot keep me from making mistakes. Only when I fall do I get up again." - Vincent van Gogh

Living with your past on your heart. People bringing up old scars can be an intense struggle. People trying to see what's really inside your heart. They try to find the pain you have covered up. The covering you've built over time to guard your heart. The covering that is so thick and so far from transparent. It's grown and grown thicker over time. No one knows how to pull apart the layers slowly to see it. No one sticks around long enough. Every once in a while, someone will peel back a layer and as soon as they walk away, that layer and another one piles on. It's inevitable. You can't change a person but you can change the way that person sees you.

Every little thing.

My box used to be so pretty. It used to shine like the sun. Over time, that changed. I made changes in my life to fit in or to because I thought it would make me feel better. I chose paths I knew weren’t right. I began following someone other than God. My pretty little box started to rip and it lost its shine. It had hand prints everywhere and it had tears on every edge. I wasn’t ready to give it all up yet. I didn’t know the tears were only getting bigger as time went on. I didn’t realize how far I’d gone until it finally happened. My pretty little box was gone in the blink of an eye. I couldn’t take it back, the mistake. My once ripped little box was gone. It was in a stranger’s hands. It wasn’t with someone I loved or thought I loved, it was with a stranger. My little heart really couldn’t take much more after that. I’d had another chance at forgiveness until you decided to use me, without my permission. You knew exactly what you were doing, and you just didn’t care. I lost my most prized possession the day I gave away my box. That box had meant the world to me, up until that day. I didn’t realize how big of an effect it would have on me. I didn’t want anyone to know it bothered me wither because I freely chose what I did. I gave that box away with my own two hands. I let it all go without second guessing myself. I had dug myself so deep into a dark place. It felt like it was the only way out. Did it make me feel any better? No. Did it make me feel worse? Yes. I’d never been more ashamed going to school when everyone knew. It felt like I was walking around naked. Everyone knew about it all and there wasn’t anything I could do to hide it.

My faith began to die that day. My faith used to be hard as stone. I would never question it. I would never second guess anything. My foundation began getting shaky as time went on. My heart feels pain like it never has before. I still love you God. I’ll never give up on you because you’ve never given up on me. You never let me down. You’ve stood beside my side and made sure I always knew you were there, ever since I can remember. You’ve been there. I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry for the times I’ve disappointed you. I’m sorry for the choices I made that I knew were wrong. I took your forgiveness for granted. I took your love for granted. I let go of my relationship with you. I put wrong before right. I did what I thought was right in the moment. I didn’t think of the aftermath. I forgot about the attachment. I tried pushing myself to see if I could overcome my weakness.

Our minds go through a million emotions a day; pain, joy, sadness, jealousy, love, anger, hate, or confusion. These are only a few. Our bodies go through a variety of changes. Some of us are moody and others are not. Some of us show emotion very well, while others hide from it all. Embracing your emotions can be extremely hard for some people. Opening up to someone or trusting someone is quite difficult. Trusting the person who hurt you is also a very difficult task. Forgiving the person who hurts you the most though, shows true strength. Losing someone you care about is also painful, whether its death or they choose to walk out of your life. The experiences we go through everyday are quite complicated.

Now, you’re here. You’re someone to me. You make me happy and honestly, I feel safe. I love being in your arms. I love seeing your smile. I love the way you make me feel, as if being me is finally good enough. Every time two people care about each other, pain is coming. Everyone experiences their fights, the tears, the smiles, the kindness, and the care. Every time you get that funny feeling in your stomach, it’s real. Being with someone again can be difficult but we all get through it. After being down for so long, it’s hard to get back up. That’s when you came into my life. You’ve flooded my heart with kindness. It’s almost too good to be true. The way your skin feels against mine. The way your touch sends chills through my entire body. The way your smile can warm my heart. The way I get butterflies every time I get a text or e-mail from you. The way your eyes make everything better. The way you want to be different in my life. The way I want to make you happy is by far the scariest thing. I don’t want to mess up. I don’t want you to leave. I could be in your arms forever. I use to be afraid of getting hurt again but I don’t feel that way this time. It means something to me this time. It warms my heart and tickles my stomach. The way you kiss me can brighten my day and I love the way my body fits into yours. It always feels right. The ways your smile can make me smile. It’s almost unreal. The way you feel when you’re happy or when I know I’m doing something right. I also love how you can always tell when something is wrong and you just want to fix it. The way you open your heart to me and I really just want to protect you from getting hurt.

Finding that one person who makes you weak in the knees or makes it hard for you to breathe, that’s a person worth not letting go. If you’re one who struggles with running away, that’s okay. You’re not alone. Never letting someone in close enough to your heart, it’s exactly what we all face. Keeping your heart hidden from everyone, it’s just guarding yourself from the pain. It’s the pain in your stomach or the pain in your heart. It’s the lump in your throat and the tears welling up. It’s the fears in your head or the songs in your mind. The things you can remember make it so much tougher to get by; so much harder to give up. The fights we endure for the people we care about or the pain we endure to be a part of them is just part of falling for someone. Pushing your way through the doubts clouding your thoughts or the fears clouding your vision is just a test of your strength.

Being close to someone can scare the life out of most people. Can you do it? Can you embrace your fear, let down the walls, and let someone in? If you can, congratulations. Most people really can’t and that’s okay. We let someone in and before getting to close, you push them away a little more. They gain a step forward and you push them two steps back. You’re afraid to love again. You’re afraid to believe in happiness again. You don’t want the pain again. You keep telling yourself that pain is coming again. There’s a voice in your head pushing your self-esteem down. The voice tells you that you aren’t good enough and to give up already. It sits in your head long enough to take over your mind. It tells you that you don’t deserve happiness. But you do! You start convincing yourself that maybe you do. You get caught in the middle of being worth it and not worth it. You can’t form a right decision. That’s when you give up and almost lose hope. But, we are all worth it. People need to realize this. We can’t lose sight of the great in our lives. Everyone has a spark inside their soul and it’s just looking for a certain someone to make that spark shine so bright. EMBRACE IT.

Why.

Why? It’s a question I deal with almost every day of my life. It’s a serious question in my head right now. Why did I let myself go that far? Why didn’t I protect my heart like I said I would? Why didn’t I protect myself from the pain I’d felt so many times before? Why didn’t I run? Why didn’t I leave you? Why didn’t I do what I knew what was best for me? Why didn’t I just leave you with her and let you be happy? Why did I interrupt in your life? Why did I believe every lie you told me? Why did I take a chance on you when I knew that wasn’t right? Why did I let your eyes get to me? Why did I let your smile brighten my day? Why did I let you make me so angry? Why did I let you take my heart and hold it? Why did I show you sides of me I never showed anyone else? Why didn’t I just let go when I should’ve? Why didn’t I let go when I knew I was supposed to? Why didn’t I just walk away, it’s what I’m good at. Why didn’t I just let you go use some other girl? Why did I let you play with my heart and my mind? Why did I let you get to me? Why did I let you know how I felt? Why did I want you always around me? Why did I tell you things I knew I would regret? Why did I do things I knew I would regret? Why didn’t I use my strength to my advantage? Why did I let my weakness take over? Why did I fall for that mistake again? Why did I live with lies? Why did I pour my heart to you only for you to rip it down? Why did I lose it all when I had just built it back up? Why did I let you control my happiness? Why did I believe you when you said you were happy? Why didn’t I listen when I told myself I could never make you happy? Why did I let you have control of my life..?

Settling with Disappointment.

Emotions are the faults we hide from. I’ve been running, trying to be strong, and trying to grow independent. It was my choice to prove to you how much I didn’t need you. It was my choice to leave you out of my life. It was my choice to say good-bye. It was my choice to close and end things for good. But it wasn’t the choice I wanted. I tested myself. I tested myself to make sure I didn’t cry. I tested myself to make sure I wouldn’t miss you. I tested myself to make sure I wouldn’t need you. I tested my limits. I tested everything in my power. I tested my strengths and weaknesses.

You are my weakness. You are everything weak inside of me. You know how to break me down. You know how to melt my heart. I put up walls when you left me the first time and I promised myself I wouldn’t let those walls down. I promised myself and God I would never fall again. I promised myself I’d be stronger for myself and for the people around me. Everyone has that someone who can tear down everything and see them bare. I feel naked when you look me in the eye. It’s as if everything I was hiding, busts out. It’s inevitable. I can’t stop it and you’re the only one who can do that to me. I don’t know how to make the emotions stop from swelling and bursting. I can’t make the pain go away.

You bring pain into my life. You bring heartbreak into my life and most importantly, you bring loneliness back into my life. You make me feel as if I’ll never be loved and that no one will ever care about me. Once I let the walls down, it’s so hard to build them back up. I become vulnerable. And I have you to thank for that. I become this little girl who needs someone to hold her. I can’t breathe and I can’t feel my heart.

But when you’re around, all I feel is happiness. I need you by my side. I need you as a comfort. I need you as a shield hiding from the world. You protect my heart. When you are around, I feel the loneliness begin to separate from my heart. I feel the light return into my life and all I feel is joy. Seeing your face, lights up my world. Seeing you smile makes my heart jump. Seeing you cry, makes me hurt. Hearing your voice is something I could never get sick of. Seeing you in love breaks my heart. But, seeing you happy, makes me happy. As you walk up to me, my knees buckle. As you leave me, my knees buckle again just for a different reason.

Watching you walk away is one of the many challenges I face when you leave. I could sit at home and cry and miss you, but I know that isn’t what you want. You want me to go out and be happy. You want me to live my life as if you were never in my life and had never caused any harm. You don’t want the pain in my life and you want the best for me. I know you better than the back of my hand and I believe you when you tell me that. I know you look out for my heart when nobody else is. I know you love me in a different way. I know the way you feel about me is uncontrollable and I know you living far away from me isn’t your choice. You know how to make my heart smile even though you don’t do anything. You know how to light up a room. Your presence just makes every around feel happy. If you understood the way I needed you, you’d realize that it’s not a want. It’s not a need. It’s just something my heart yearns for. If I could see you every day, I promise you’d realize the way I feel. I can say I love you because there isn’t another way to express it. We don’t have words in the human dictionary to describe the way I feel. There isn’t a way to put into words all the emotions that come aroused when you come around. I’ve thought of everything, everything.

I’ve thought of every way to be with you sand every way to love you in the way you’ll let me. I know the way you feel could never possibly be the way I do and I know, one day I’ll be okay. I know that you’ll always be my Prince Charming and its fine with me. I’m just fine with that. I don’t need someone to hold me anymore. I’ve grown up from that and I don’t need you in my life. My heart needs you though. My heart reaches for the stars because of you. You make me feel lighter. And I can’t express anything to you. It’s impossible to give you the satisfaction you want. But I would try.

Guilt.

Lies can tear you apart inside. They can become everything that comes out of your mouth. It can scare the world out of you and it can take your world right from under your feet. It can take everything you loved away from you. It can make the people you love hate you. It can tear you to pieces. It can become everything you're surrounded by.

The truth is a word every single person runs from. The truth can set you free. The truth comes out only when a person is at their last hope. The truth is the hardest thing to deal with. It can slap you in the face. It can just fall off your tongue because you've been lying. Well, the truth always comes out, it's just a matter of time.

The truth is always better to deal with. When you tell the truth, it's like a building can be taken off your shoulders. It's as if you feel freed. It's something everyone needs to realize because the world we live in is full of lies. No one deals with the truth anymore, it's just easier to lie and not deal with the truth.

Redemption is something else everyone else needs to deal with. Forgiveness belongs to everyone. Everyone needs forgiveness in their lives. It's something every person craves. It's something every person should give no matter what. We learned when we were little that no matter what, no matter how hard, we should forgive. So as we got older, did the rule change? No, everyone should still forgive. It's in our nature, and people tend to forget that. It's a reminder for everyone. WWJD?

Guilt is the last part of it. Most people admit to their lies because of the guilt they build in their hearts. It's difficult to not admit when it's the only thing sitting on your mind. Sure, you can get it off your mind sometimes, but it always comes back to mind. Guilt is the voice inside your head telling you to tell the truth instead of lying. So when you disobey, you deal with the consequence of having that voice sit in your head. Everyone knows right from wrong. It's the choice of doing what you know is best, instead of doing what you think is best.

Lessons Learned.

As I write today, I'm confiding within myself as to where I begin. I know that every part of me has moved on and some of me has been left behind in the past. I know the people who traveled to my future are here for a reason and the people who didn't, they have their own life to live. I know that as time rolls on, everyone learns a new lesson about life and learns a little detail about themselves.

I've learned that people are manipulative and don't care about anyone else's feelings besides their own. I knew one day I would find the answer to why I held on to you, and I found it a few days ago. You taught me the most important lesson of my life. I WILL NEVER TRUST ANOTHER GUY and I can thank you for that. I confided inside you and told you all my secrets. I gave you every emotion and every part of me. I gave you all the love in the world and what did you give me in return? Disappointment. You were the biggest waste of my time. College comes for you in 3 months, and I don't think I'll smile again until the day you're gone. I can't wait for the day to come. I'd never felt so betrayed in my life. I used to see the good in you. I used to believe in everything you were. I used to trust my life when it was in your hands. Now, I feel as if I'm a lie because of it. You stole my freshman year and I wasted it over what? Something pointless.

Everyone learns a new lesson everyday. I promise life goes on. People make mistakes and sometimes things can't be forgiven. Some friends come and go, but the true ones are in for the long run. You'll never be quite sure of whose the true one. Honestly, don't run from emotions and don't run from feelings. This could possibly be the biggest mistake for anyone. Don't run because sooner or later, you'll run out of running space. It takes time, but don't give up on anyone. Everyone deserves a chance, and few deserve a second chance.

Happiness.

Happiness is something you choose. If you truly want to be happy, you have to choose it. It's a decision within yourself & something no one can decide for you. It's the choice to walk around with a smile on your face or to walk around frowning. It's so much easier to walk around with a smile. The world will look so much different to a happy person than to a miserable person. The easier you make your life, the happier you will be. Don't over think situations, and don't be obsessive.

It's a part of you that decides it's tired of crying & being miserable. To take the next step, smile, and be happy with yourself. Accepting yourself is the first & biggest step there is to take. Once you take it, everything is lifted off your shoulders & you feel as if you're a new person.

Be happy. Life is too short to walk around being miserable. Choose to be new. Choose to smile. Choose to be the person everyone loves to be around! Happiness, it's a new thing to wear. :)

Inspiration.

It's a gift, a truly wonderful gift. I love the feeling you get when someone tells you how you writing inspires them. It makes me feel so good. But lately, I've lost my inspiration. I don't write much anymore because the words have gotten so lost & puzzled, it's like they just aren't meant to come out. It's a difficult feeling when you love doing something, but can't find a reason to do it anymore. What do you do when everything feels okay, but you know it's not? I finally found the answer to that. You just let life happen. Walk around with a smile on your face & act as if nothing on Earth could bother you.

Inspiration is truly something I treasure. My inspiration was my best friend, & he's gone.

I could, I would, & I should. But, I won't.

I can go on with my life. I can move on. I can change. I can walk past everyone with a smile on my face. I can hide the pain I feel inside. I can find someone new. I can find the smile inside. I can find my independent-self again. I can grow up. I can learn a lesson. I can get over you. I can put this past me. I can find my happiness. I can find the girl I used to be.

But I won’t. I won’t go on without you. I don’t want to move on from you. I don’t want to change. I don’t want to walk around smiling when I’m not happy. I don’t want to hide the pain I feel inside because I want you to know what I’m feeling. I don’t want someone new, I only want you. I don’t want to find that smile inside unless it’s you giving it to me. I don’t want to be independent without you being by my side. I don’t want to grow up unless you’re holding my hand helping me along the way. I don’t want to learn a lesson unless you’re in my life teaching them all to me. I don’t want to get over you because I’m still crazy about you. I don’t want to put this past me because I’m not ready for it to be over. I don’t want to find my happiness because my happiness is you. I don’t want to find the girl I used to be because the girl I was didn’t have you.

You see, I’m fully capable of getting over you & moving on. I know deep down that I really could. But, I feel there is a reason why I haven’t let go just yet. Like, somehow I know something is going to go right. I feel safe with you. I always want to cry when I’m with you because I know that our time together is limited & it doesn’t mean anything to you. I’m happy when we fight because I know that you’re feeling something. I love when you apologize because it shows me that you really do care. I wish I could say something to you so that would show me how you feel. But honestly, I care about you more than anyone in this world & that’s something I’m willing to even bet on. No one cares about you nor will care about you as much I do. You’re all I think about, you’re everything I dream of. You’ve become my heart. Every time you walk away, it breaks my heart a little bit more. Every time you say let’s just be friends, I fall a little deeper. Every time you tell me someone out there is better than you, I want to scream at you. If there was someone better, I would have found him by now. God has a plan for everyone. I know that his Plan for me, includes you. I’m praying every night that one day you’ll wake up & realize how much I truly care about you & that it’s harder for me to walk away from you every day.

I’d given my whole world to be with you. I still would. I would give my everything for you. You know I’d drop everything if you needed something. You know I’d stop anything I was doing just to listen to everything you said. You know I could stare into your eyes, & just be happy like that. That’s not what you want & I know this. I’m just hoping that one day that will be what you want. I don’t want someone else. You’re the only person I want, the only person I need.

It's the feeling of brokenness, it's the feeling of desperation, it's the feeling of depression that finally sets in. Misery becomes something that sleeps in your bed with you every night. Pain becomes a word you frequently use, & happiness barely ever crosses your mind. Feelings & Emotions slowly begin to disappear. Everything starts to float out of your life & you're left with nothing. Nothing becomes a lifeline that you live by. You learn to not care about anything anymore. You learn to give up on everything before you even start it. You learn to let go of anyone who ever meant anything to you. You begin to slowly disappear. You finally hit rock-bottom & you're at a point where you don't exist to anyone. You've become nothing. When people look at you, you're invisible. Life becomes pointless. Everything seems to become pointless. You lost the one person/thing that meant everything to you. You're left with nothing. Life gets so complicated. The rocks that you're supposed to just stumble upon, become boulders. The tears you used to cry turn into rivers & streams of water. You don't want to eat anymore, you really don't want to exist anymore. It tears your apart. You don't have the walls you built at one time. You don't have anything anymore. You've completely fallen. You're completely broken. Everything becomes numb. You want to cry but as the tears come, you force them back in. You're tired of all the pain & suffering, that you just don't deserve. You're heart is broken yet you can't control it. You choke up in front of other people, you just can't speak. The words get bundled inside.

MISERY.

It's pain. It's sorrow. It's a tear rolling down thy cheek. It's a heart broken with pieces shattered on the floor. It's a person having a bad day. It's depression. It's misery. It's a little kid who just lost his favorite toy. It's tragedy.

So, where do you go from here/ How do you move on from this? How do you live with a broken heart? How do you pick yourself up off the floor? How do you survive crying yourself to sleep every night? How do you get everyone to quit calling you stupid? How do you get out of the hole you dug yourself into so deep? Well, honestly you don't. The pain will never go away. It may lessen, but it will never completely leave your body. It will sit inside you and you will carry it around with you. It's a burden on your shoulders. It's a pit in the middle of your stomach twisting and turning, and it's something you can't get rid of. It makes you sick, it makes you tremble, and it hurts because you love the feeling. It's a terrible feeling but a good feeling at the same time. It hurts but you can finally feel something again. The feeling of numbness goes away.

Reaching the end of your path, it's a feeling everyone wants to feel. Everything becomes different in your head. Everything becomes clearer. A broken heart doesn't get any easier on anyone. It blurs your vision because all you can do is cry. It makes your body go numb. It makes your heart ache. Losing someone is the worst feeling in the world. Losing someone who meant the world to you is even worse. You can't help how the other person feels, and you most likely can't help how you feel. There's a saying, people come in and out of your life for a reason, but sometimes there isn't a reason. Another saying, everything happens for a reason, isn't true either. Everyone who says they believe that is a bunch of crap. Not everything happens for a reason because you'll never find that reason.

Tearing down the walls you built around your heart is something people do for safety. You have to protect your heart. Then, someone comes along & tears down those walls. Now what? You're crazy about this person & they leave you. The walls are on the floor, you're heart is with them, & you have an empty feeling in your chest. Now what? You walk around depressed? Right. That doesn't sound like a very good idea. Everyone wants to be happy, and looking for love and happiness in all the wrong places. Control your mind, Keep hold of your heart, and Never fall for someone. This never leads to anything good.

I used to have such a positive outlook on life. I used to be happy, smiley, nice, and independent. I lost all of these qualities and trying to get them back is the hardest thing you'll ever go through in your life. Gaining back someone's trust is hard. Loving someone who manipulated your mind is hardest. Caring about someone who could give a shit about you hurts worse. Everything hurts on a certain level, where others hurt worse. It's a feeling that doesn't compare to anything in this world. The promises you made, and the bond you once shared. It's gone, along with every other feeling in your body.

LOVE KILLS.

Day by day a million questions run through my head. Why would be the key word. Why this, Why that. It hurts looking back at the answer the questions. Watching everything around you fall & crumble to pieces & knowing you can't do anything to fix it. The more difficult part is healing. Healing inside hurts but you have to do it. The walls around may start to cave in. You'll feel oxygen-less. You probably won't know what to do with yourself. It's life. Things get complicated but there are people along the way to help you. Things may eat you up inside but you & I both know you can survive the battle. Some people may tend to show how happy they seem to be on the outside but who knows. Maybe they really aren't happy but they are afraid to show how they feel. Love & hate are some scary emotions. Love is hard and it kills. It pulls you to your lowest point & some won't ever get over it. Love tears you to pieces sometimes. I would be so lost without everything I've been through. The stepping stones in life are sometimes sharp, others smooth. You have to go through some sharp paths to realize that the smooth path is the path to take. Everyone has a very sharp rocks in their smooth path & it may sting for a little bit, but the pain goes away. You have to take a deep breath, don't be afraid to step, & go for it.

This path is alot like love & relationships. The smooth path would be the beginning of the relationship where you both are extremely happy. You both think you know what you got yourselves into. The sharp rocks are the problems you tend to come across. Other girls, other guys. These problems often come up, but you have to know how to get through them. The deep breath is the resolving of the problems, the not being afraid the fear you feel inside yourself to trust the person again, and going for it is trying to trust the person again. Everyone goes through this.

Also, everyone goes through a sharp path where they have to move on. You're so broken inside and don't know what to do with yourself. But you have to find a new path, trust it, and try to love again. It's hard sometimes & you have to believe in yourself as much as you believe in the other person. The faith you have in yourself is the main thing you need. You have to believe you can love again. Don't be afraid to get hurt because you'll be running from your problems. You need to find someone different and someone who cares. Don't be afraid to trust this person. You need to believe in them because just because someone else hurt you, doesn't automatically mean the next person & the person after that are going to do the same thing. If you don't give the next person a chance or the benefit of the doubt, you'll never find love again. You'll feel that care you've been longing for. You need to believe in that person to show you the love & care you've been looking for. Gaining someone's trust is one of the hardest things in life but everyone does it and you either get let down or surprised with not getting let down. Life is a roller coaster. You've got to either hold or let go. The ride will be bumpy and no one gets out alive anyway.

WEAK.

Life turns tables. Life knocks you down but you always get back up.

Take down the pictures. Throw away the letters. Delete the number. Erase the messages. Change your mind. Find a new person. Each step makes it easier on you. Follow it & convince yourself that you can find someone else. When you convince yourself, that's when you actually will.

Coming to the point of admitting your weak is the hardest part. The part of being vulnerable around anyone. The part of where you make yourself laugh. The part where you get tired of being called stupid. The part where you just hate the world because the one thing you want can't just love you back. Well, that's when it's time to look at the bigger picture. Everyone deserves someone who will love them. Someone who would give their world to be with you. You're going to find someone who thinks the world of you. You just have to let go of the person holding you back from that. Rip the strings away from that person & say no I don't want you anymore. I don't care about you. I don't need you.

It's weird looking at that person with someone else. It's weird seeing that person everywhere you go. It's weird them saying you'll find someone better than me when the only person you see is them. But really, they suck. All that person has done is ripped you down. They've just hurt you. Push them away the way they pushed you away. Don't smile at them in the hall. Don't text them back if they text you. Ignore them the way they ignored you. Just learn to say NO! It's like a drug. You've got to be willing to move on, to move on.

It's time. No one knows really how you feel inside except you. No one sees the pain or feels the hurt you feel. Other people may experience it & maybe some can relate, but no one knows exactly what you felt. It's the weird feelings swirling around in your head & through your veins. The feelings that get mixed up in everything. Don't ever let alcohol or drugs consume these feelings. It's the worst decision. Don't let someone control you. Don't do something just to see if that person will care.

Life your life for you.
I'm out of words for a while.
I need that inspiration once again.

MOVING ON.

"You're the killer of my heart & love, but the reason why I write the way I do."
-Amanda Wolsefer.

It's been 5 months now, & I'm finally realizing the truth. You were one big lie. You were one big heartbreak & I'm leaving that in my past. I don't need you to survive. I don't need you at all actually. I can't just be in your life, & we both know that. It was that one place I wanted to fill but that wasn't how it was for you. I'd never found someone who made me feel the way you did. You changed me for the better, & I promise I'll never forget everything you'd taught me. But, I'm leaving you in the past & everything that happened with us. I can't carry it around on my shoulders everyday. It's a burden seeing your face everyday. It breaks my heart seeing you with someone else, but that's life. You couldn't find it in your heart to love me back, so I'll find it in my heart to not love you anymore. I'll find it in me to not get jealous because it never bothered you when I was all over other guys. I won't fall this time. I won't crawl back to you again. I'm growing up & realizing the person you really are. I have to do this for myself. I don't know who I am anymore, but I'm going to find out. I don't need you to complete me. I don't need you to survive. I can live without you & I'm going to. I really hope you find that "someone" you talk about in your future. But, I do know what's right in front of me. I do, & I promise one day you're gonna know too. But for now, What's done is done. It can't be made up.


Moving on are two words with the toughest meaning in this world. It's not a joke, it's nothing done with a smile, & it's definitely never been something easy. It becomes harder everyday but then it starts to get a little easier. You put the past out of your mind & look forward to a brighter future. It makes the weight on your mind lessen & it gives you peace. Not talking to each other can be difficult, but you learn to deal with it.

Five months seems like a short time, but I can't believe I wasted my time for that long over one stupid thing that I knew from the beginning wouldn't go anywhere. Every time someone told me I was stupid, I fought for you & took up for everything I believed we had. Wow, don't I feel stupid. I didn't deserve this & I didn't deserve your games. You played with my emotions & knew exactly how I felt. You messed with my head, and I swear I'm gonna hate you one day. But for now, I'm trying what you want. It's always been whatever you wanted. I guess I just couldn't say no to you but I'm learning. You took advantage of me, you really did. No matter how many times you wanna say you're bullshit line, that wasn't what it was & we both know it. So, when you finally realize this, I hope it hurts you as much as it hurt me.


Bye.

FAULT.

It was all my fault from the very beginning.

I’m sorry I couldn’t be everything you wanted. I’m sorry I wasn’t everything you needed. I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry you gave up on me. I’m sorry I didn’t turn out to be the person you thought I was. I’m sorry I make mistakes. I’m sorry you hurt me. I’m sorry that you make me miserable. I’m sorry I disappoint you. I’m sorry I let you go. I’m sorry that I didn’t hold on tight enough. I’m sorry I was the one there for you. I’m sorry I listen to you. I’m sorry I fell for you. I’m sorry that I do everything wrong and nothing right. I’m sorry I cry. I’m sorry I’m so difficult. I’m sorry you wasted your time. And last of all, I’m sorry you don’t feel the same about me.

I don’t want to feel sorry for myself anymore. I feel sorry for you. I promised I would put my life into you & me. I promised I would be everything you wanted and needed. I promised I would always be there for you. I promised I wouldn’t hold you back from everything you wanted to do. I promised I wouldn’t do anything you didn’t want to do. I promised you a lot & you promised in return. Yet, I’m the only one keeping my promises lately. I know you’re going through a lot and I promised to always listen to everything you had to say. I promised to believe you whenever something was wrong and to just be there. I’ve kept that promise but all you do is push me away. I promise you that you won’t find one other person who cares about you as much as I do. I promise you won’t find someone who feels the way I do about you. I promise that I’m always going to be here for you when you need me. I promise I’ll never let go of you. I promise I’ll always be a good friend to you. I promise you we’re not going to fight anymore. I promise I’m going to chase you until you let me catch you. I’m going to care about you until you care about me the way I want you to. I’m going to hold you hand until you finally hold mine back. I’m going to hug you until you finally hug me back. I’m going to keep trying to kiss you until you finally kiss me back. I’m going to keep longing for you to miss me until you finally miss me back. I’m going to keep falling for you until you finally fall for me once again. I’m not moving on until you tell me to let go and just go away. That’s the day I’ll give up on everything.

FALLING, CRASHING, BURNING.

Do you know what it's like to have a million things running through your mind all at one time?Not knowing what you want, or any idea of what to do. It drives you nuts because you don't know what to do anymore. You don't want to speak to anyone. You feel lost & confused. You feel miserable & sad at the same time. You wanna cry & fight at the same time. A smile is forced upon your face because you don't want anyone to see you miserable. It's fighting inside your body & pushing it's way out. It's the demons inside your head telling you to give up & to stop fighting. Just to give up because you'll NEVER win. You might as well not even try because you don't have a chance in this world..

Well, I say I can do it.

I will fight.

I will smile.

I will beat this down inside of me.

I will come out on top.

I will overcome the fight inside of me telling me to give up.

I can do anything I put my mind to.

I've become a strong person because I put myself through pain. I thrust myself out into the battle between myself & the emotions all in my mind and my heart. My mind knows what's best for me but my heart knows what I want. I learned how to fight against the emotions inside of me. I learned how to speak to people & reach inside of them & pull out the good.

I will not fall.

I will not crash.

I will not burn.

I will not fail.

I will not quit.

I will come out on top. I will survive the battle everyone fights with them self. I survive the battle I fight with myself everyday. I will fight the battle that tells me I'm stupid for fighting what I believe in. I believe that one day I will get what I want & it will be exactly how I pictured it. I believe that no matter what, you'll always have one person to lean on. I also believe that everything happens for a reason, & it may take a while to find that reason. But eventually, you will find that reason & be thankful for everything you went through. My strength is almost gone, but I will still carry on. I'll find that person who will be there for me through it all. I'll find that person who loves unconditionally & forgives every mistake I make. I'll become the person I want to be & everyone will realize who I am.

I don't know who I am without you. I don't know if I can stand without you. Every time I hear your name, my heart starts racing. Every time someone says your name, I think they're talking about you but it's a completely different person. Every time I think of your face, my stomach starts to hurt. Every time before I see you, I get butterflies. Every time I think of how you hurt me, I want to throw up. Every time I think of the things you say to me, my head starts to hurt. Every time I think of how you used to kiss me, my heart begins to hurt. Every time I think of our memories together, I start to cry. It's moving on that's the hard part, and I find it emotionally impossible. I want to lie on the ground & never get back up. But somewhere inside me, I find the hope & strength to once again fight for you the way I want you to fight for me.

DON'T LET ME GO.

I'm falling apart, and this time it's too late for you to say sorry. I can't believe that line one more time. I'm saying good-bye and this time I mean it. You've used the last straw and this was the last chance I'd given you. I've learned my lesson.

It's hard saying no to someone you truly care about and someone you want to be there for. It's hard when you pour your heart and soul out to someone and they don't say anything back. It's hard to walk away from the one person you don't want to ever leave your life. It's easy to take that person back instead of walking away. It's easy to forgive them. It's easy to try to forget what happened. It's easy to say yes instead of no. It's easy to believe someone instead of thinking they're lying. It's easy to put all your trust in them but hard to believe they'd betray that trust. It's easy to want that person but hard to realize they don't want you back. It's easy to love a person but hard to see they don't feel the same. It's hard to find out they'd lied to you the whole time but easy to believe they would never lie. It's never going to be one or the other. You always have one or the other, and it's ever the one you want. It's hard fighting for a guy who never fights for you back. It's hard looking at the person you fell for & watching them be with someone else. It's harder to watch the person you fell for, look at you the same but then tell you they don't feel anything.

It's weird walking away from someone you really care about. It's hard to lie to everyone when you know how you truly feel and just can't help how you feel. Moving on is the hardest part. Kissing another guy is even weirder when you're looking for the other guy's touch.

Fighting just to feel something is something everyone does. As a girl, you just want a reaction. As a guy, he wants to see you care. Girls tend to fight with guys because the guy shows no emotion & the girl wants to see if they feel anything. Everyday gets harder walking past each other like you barely know each other. It's heartbreaking to see he wants everything you want, but he knows you can't have it. It's amazing to be head over heels one day, to hating each other the next day. It's different just walking past each other.

It's funny how you can still smile & act like everything is perfectly okay, when we all know it's not. The only person who doesn't know is him. You just wanna say, fight for me like i fight for you. Chase me like I chase you. Be there for me like I'm there for you. Listen to me the way I listen to you. I'm slipping from your grip & I'm gonna fall. You're gonna loose me.

Don't let me go, just don't.

FAITH.

Believing in yourself is something that everyone struggles with. It's the fight you battle within yourself to come out on top. I know that believing in myself is a struggle I go through everyday. I know what's best for me but I choose to follow what everyone else thinks I should do. I know I'm strong, but I still listen to all the voices around me, instead of the one in my head. I'm a strong girl, but I still fall weak.

Faith is also in the guy above. I've been through some pretty tough times & I'm sure anyone reading this has had at least one bump in the road. But to me, those bumps are there to test you. If God never tested you, he wouldn't know just how much faith you have in him. I believe God is the only one who can save me, & the only person who will never fail me. Everyone in your life will fail you at one point in time & you'll wonder how you ever had faith in that person. But then, you'll realize that no one is perfect except God. He is the one guy who knows just how to take care of you, & only pushes you as far as he knows you can go.

Life will always hand you hardships & you have to know how to get through them. God never said life was going to be easy but he will never make you go through something you can't get through. If life was easy, you'd never be so happy when you got through the obstacles. Life is one adventure & it always throws suprises at you. You have to know how to handle them & move on. It's the heartbreaks, tears, smiles, laughs, & fights that make life interesting. Don't ever give up on someone, you could be the only person they could count on. Don't ever take no for an answer on something you really want, & never ever stop loving the person you love. One day they'll realize how much you mean, & when that time comes, you'll be able to say no. The strength you gain from being hurt is the strongest kind of strength you can achieve, & you never want to forget that.

LOVE HURTS.

Love is a scary word because it's so strong. When you love someone, you'd give your world to be with them. You think of nothing but being with them. It's also the distance you can be from this person & you still make it. It's letting someone go just to see if they come back. It's pursing something because you love it & can't let it go.

" My heart has become a piece of paper, easy to rip up & throw away"

I've let my feelings be controlled, & gotten to the point where I just can't deal with it anymore. Your feelings are yours. Do not ever let anyone else control how you feel. You shouldn't be pushed around & played with. Emotions are problems sometimes & you can't help how you feel. I don't think anyone can throw away someone else's love.

I don't believe I've ever been in love but I know how it feels to have your heart ripped out. I've been so down on the ground not knowing what to do anymore. Looking around at everyone else being happy, & knowing that you once had that, but it was ruined. I know what it's like to cry & cry until it feels like you don't have any tears left. I know what it's like to have to try to be friends with someone you want more than anything in this world. I know what it's like to not know what to do with yourself. All you want to do is cry, hate, and hurt the person that hurt you the way they did. I know what it's like to feel like the one person you care about most in this world doesn't & won't look at you the way you look at them ever again. I know what it's like to hate yourself because you don't think you're good enough. I know what it's like to want to run away from all your problems. But chances are, you're going to get caught up with. The person who hurt you, they'll never know what you felt. The person you're crazy about probably won't come back to you, and eventually you'll have to move on. It really hurts at first & then you'll get sick of feeling unwanted. You'll feel miserable all the time & eventually it will hit you that you don't always have to be like that. You'll see that you're choosing to be that way. It's going to be weird letting go & moving on at first, but sooner or later you'll feel better. The sooner, the better.

It's easier to hold on & hope for something good to come out of it. But, it won't happen. The good you once had is completely gone. You get sick of trying & the other person not doing anything. You'll get sick of chasing something that doesn't care enough about you to want you to catch them. It's a never-ending story & it will never change. Guys play games with your head & eventually you might find a good one, but deep down they're still that same guy who hurt you in the beginning. "Once a cheater, always a cheater. Once a liar, always a liar." The list goes on & on.

Hide your heart, & don't give it away. Pieces of your heart come and go, but you'll never get them back. Protect your heart & don't fall easily. Any guy who says he truly cares about you, test it. Push his limits & see how far he'll go to be with you. A guy in his right mind, will fight & fight to be with you. Personally, guys need to step it up. Guys should do anything they can to be with a girl they truly care about.

I say it's time to say goodbye. It's time to let go & move on. I tell myself this everyday. Life is too short to be hung up on one person. You have your whole life ahead of you & it's time to set yourself free from the chains you put on yourself. It's okay to be hurt. It's okay to cry. It's okay to move on. Obviously the other person has, and now it's your turn. Just take a step back, and realize that all the pain you're being put through isn't necessary. Nothing should hurt you as bad as you think. Everything should just go right if it's going to work out in the end.

" My heart was the only thing I was holding on to, and I've fallen."

It's hard admitting that you're heartbroken. When your heart breaks, don't deny it. Face the fact, embrace the pain, & it will go away. At first, the pain feels unbearable & you don't know what to do with yourself. Eventually, you'll realize that it wasn't worth it. Anyone who truly cares about you, will never put you in so much pain. Second chances are just a free pass to feel that pain again. Upon letting go, you'll feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. That unbearable feeling in the pit of your stomach will be gone & you will be released. It's the most amazing feeling your heart can feel. You'll feel lost around the people you care about most for a little while but don't cut them out. Don't push the people who care most out of your life, all they want to do is help. It's great to let them help you. It's crazy to not. You need to surround yourself with the people who actually love you because the love you were looking for before in that other person, it's pointless. It was never there. You may have had it engraved in your head that one day it would work & you always took no as a yes. It was a no, he meant it & now you have to get over it. You'll find it in your heart to forgive him someday. He'll say he's sorry but don't believe it. He uses that as a pass to get back in your life &try to play with you again. To him, it's a game. He wants to see how long he can make you hang on, & as a girl, you'll just wait around because you believe him when he tells you he cares. If he told you he loved you, you'd melt. You'd feel the happiest you ever felt in your life but he wouldn't mean it. No guy can love you as much as he says he does. He's trying to make you feel better & as a guy, that's the only way he knows how.

Crying can usually help some of the pain come out. It's the unbearable pain you feel all over. Where you feel if you move, you'll fall because you're so weak. Goodbye is the perfect word to think of.

Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye.