Today has been a day of reflection; How crazy that a year ago on this day, I felt at my lowest. I felt hopeless, empty, broken, and shattered. I was confused to say it simply. I wasn’t sure why I was placed in a position filled with despair and heartache. I remember driving home trying to hold everything together, searching my brain for answers that didn’t exist. I thought for sure I had to be dreaming or living someone else’s life. He was the love of my life, I thought. Little did I know I was embarking on the beginning of my greatest adventure — the adventure of finding myself.
The next few days were some of the loneliest, darkest days I’ve experienced yet. Loneliness is a sign that you are in desperate need of yourself, I was told. I struggled to accept this because I couldn’t stand the thought of being alone. The amount of tears shed in the first week were more than I knew possible. I couldn’t figure out how more could develop, yet the flow never ceased. They fell in the morning, during the day, and every single night. As I leaned on God for strength and hope, the tears fell less frequently. He provided me with strength I never knew existed; a strength only known and shared by Him.
While getting out of that dark place wasn’t easy or a fast process, I did it. (How great it feels to say that.) I began to climb out of the hole I’d dug myself into; the one filled with hopelessness and despair. I began to notice a strength in myself, with an empowering drive to change.
When I say change, I am referring to growth. Growing as an individual, a friend, a daughter, a student, and a child of God. I chose to not only stop allowing someone else to define how I felt about myself, but also how I felt mentally and physically. I chose to put myself first. The individual I was at the time was dependent on others for happiness. That changed. I began to realize just how little I needed anyone other than myself. As I came to this realization, chains that had anchored me down for months suddenly unlocked. I had found the key to my freedom, and all along it was inside of me, waiting for me to uncover it.
Through this process of mental recovery, I began to learn more about not only the individual I was, but also the individuals I had in my life. I found myself giving everything to those who only provided me with the bare minimum they could. Through this, I learned that I deserve the love I keep giving to others, only I kept giving it to the wrong people and letting them convince me otherwise. To put it simply, I was stupidly settling. I am special, important, beautiful, independent, loving, adventurous, and brilliant. Why was I letting someone make me feel any less than that? For a girl with a 3.7 GPA, I struggled to understand the concept of not wearing my heart on my sleeve. But as time went on, I learned that is a strength I encompass. I designated it as a flaw for so long because I thought it made me weak, but I was so clearly wrong. It takes strength to trust again, strength to love again, strength to smile again, strength to get up in the morning, strength to push through the pain, and strength to open up again. I am a warrior. Consequently, I keep fighting every day.
You see, the fight didn’t stop then and it hasn’t stopped still. The fight is a continuous one experienced daily. Other individuals have walked into my life, knocked me off the steady ground I had built to stand on, and I’ve had to find that safe place again. I’ve trusted people who weren’t worth my trust, I’ve allowed pieces of me to be taken by those unworthy of my greatness, and I’ve found myself disappointed by people I believed in. A rollercoaster of emotions, this journey of life, is filled with days of euphoria, then days of grief. The latest and greatest lesson taught on my adventure: how to find hope in the disappointment. Disappointment comes in many shapes and sizes, and unfortunately, i was invited to a viewing party of quite a few; each one providing a different lesson to take home with me. People walk away suddenly, and you may never know why- let them. People will lie and manipulate you for personal gain- let them go. I don’t need anyone who doesn’t need me. The people supposed to be in your life will be, and we can’t continue to question why things happen. I am stubborn and difficult, but I’m growing. This is why I refuse to give up hope; because that’s what this year taught me.
