LOVE KILLS.

Day by day a million questions run through my head. Why would be the key word. Why this, Why that. It hurts looking back at the answer the questions. Watching everything around you fall & crumble to pieces & knowing you can't do anything to fix it. The more difficult part is healing. Healing inside hurts but you have to do it. The walls around may start to cave in. You'll feel oxygen-less. You probably won't know what to do with yourself. It's life. Things get complicated but there are people along the way to help you. Things may eat you up inside but you & I both know you can survive the battle. Some people may tend to show how happy they seem to be on the outside but who knows. Maybe they really aren't happy but they are afraid to show how they feel. Love & hate are some scary emotions. Love is hard and it kills. It pulls you to your lowest point & some won't ever get over it. Love tears you to pieces sometimes. I would be so lost without everything I've been through. The stepping stones in life are sometimes sharp, others smooth. You have to go through some sharp paths to realize that the smooth path is the path to take. Everyone has a very sharp rocks in their smooth path & it may sting for a little bit, but the pain goes away. You have to take a deep breath, don't be afraid to step, & go for it.

This path is alot like love & relationships. The smooth path would be the beginning of the relationship where you both are extremely happy. You both think you know what you got yourselves into. The sharp rocks are the problems you tend to come across. Other girls, other guys. These problems often come up, but you have to know how to get through them. The deep breath is the resolving of the problems, the not being afraid the fear you feel inside yourself to trust the person again, and going for it is trying to trust the person again. Everyone goes through this.

Also, everyone goes through a sharp path where they have to move on. You're so broken inside and don't know what to do with yourself. But you have to find a new path, trust it, and try to love again. It's hard sometimes & you have to believe in yourself as much as you believe in the other person. The faith you have in yourself is the main thing you need. You have to believe you can love again. Don't be afraid to get hurt because you'll be running from your problems. You need to find someone different and someone who cares. Don't be afraid to trust this person. You need to believe in them because just because someone else hurt you, doesn't automatically mean the next person & the person after that are going to do the same thing. If you don't give the next person a chance or the benefit of the doubt, you'll never find love again. You'll feel that care you've been longing for. You need to believe in that person to show you the love & care you've been looking for. Gaining someone's trust is one of the hardest things in life but everyone does it and you either get let down or surprised with not getting let down. Life is a roller coaster. You've got to either hold or let go. The ride will be bumpy and no one gets out alive anyway.

WEAK.

Life turns tables. Life knocks you down but you always get back up.

Take down the pictures. Throw away the letters. Delete the number. Erase the messages. Change your mind. Find a new person. Each step makes it easier on you. Follow it & convince yourself that you can find someone else. When you convince yourself, that's when you actually will.

Coming to the point of admitting your weak is the hardest part. The part of being vulnerable around anyone. The part of where you make yourself laugh. The part where you get tired of being called stupid. The part where you just hate the world because the one thing you want can't just love you back. Well, that's when it's time to look at the bigger picture. Everyone deserves someone who will love them. Someone who would give their world to be with you. You're going to find someone who thinks the world of you. You just have to let go of the person holding you back from that. Rip the strings away from that person & say no I don't want you anymore. I don't care about you. I don't need you.

It's weird looking at that person with someone else. It's weird seeing that person everywhere you go. It's weird them saying you'll find someone better than me when the only person you see is them. But really, they suck. All that person has done is ripped you down. They've just hurt you. Push them away the way they pushed you away. Don't smile at them in the hall. Don't text them back if they text you. Ignore them the way they ignored you. Just learn to say NO! It's like a drug. You've got to be willing to move on, to move on.

It's time. No one knows really how you feel inside except you. No one sees the pain or feels the hurt you feel. Other people may experience it & maybe some can relate, but no one knows exactly what you felt. It's the weird feelings swirling around in your head & through your veins. The feelings that get mixed up in everything. Don't ever let alcohol or drugs consume these feelings. It's the worst decision. Don't let someone control you. Don't do something just to see if that person will care.

Life your life for you.
I'm out of words for a while.
I need that inspiration once again.

MOVING ON.

"You're the killer of my heart & love, but the reason why I write the way I do."
-Amanda Wolsefer.

It's been 5 months now, & I'm finally realizing the truth. You were one big lie. You were one big heartbreak & I'm leaving that in my past. I don't need you to survive. I don't need you at all actually. I can't just be in your life, & we both know that. It was that one place I wanted to fill but that wasn't how it was for you. I'd never found someone who made me feel the way you did. You changed me for the better, & I promise I'll never forget everything you'd taught me. But, I'm leaving you in the past & everything that happened with us. I can't carry it around on my shoulders everyday. It's a burden seeing your face everyday. It breaks my heart seeing you with someone else, but that's life. You couldn't find it in your heart to love me back, so I'll find it in my heart to not love you anymore. I'll find it in me to not get jealous because it never bothered you when I was all over other guys. I won't fall this time. I won't crawl back to you again. I'm growing up & realizing the person you really are. I have to do this for myself. I don't know who I am anymore, but I'm going to find out. I don't need you to complete me. I don't need you to survive. I can live without you & I'm going to. I really hope you find that "someone" you talk about in your future. But, I do know what's right in front of me. I do, & I promise one day you're gonna know too. But for now, What's done is done. It can't be made up.


Moving on are two words with the toughest meaning in this world. It's not a joke, it's nothing done with a smile, & it's definitely never been something easy. It becomes harder everyday but then it starts to get a little easier. You put the past out of your mind & look forward to a brighter future. It makes the weight on your mind lessen & it gives you peace. Not talking to each other can be difficult, but you learn to deal with it.

Five months seems like a short time, but I can't believe I wasted my time for that long over one stupid thing that I knew from the beginning wouldn't go anywhere. Every time someone told me I was stupid, I fought for you & took up for everything I believed we had. Wow, don't I feel stupid. I didn't deserve this & I didn't deserve your games. You played with my emotions & knew exactly how I felt. You messed with my head, and I swear I'm gonna hate you one day. But for now, I'm trying what you want. It's always been whatever you wanted. I guess I just couldn't say no to you but I'm learning. You took advantage of me, you really did. No matter how many times you wanna say you're bullshit line, that wasn't what it was & we both know it. So, when you finally realize this, I hope it hurts you as much as it hurt me.


Bye.

FAULT.

It was all my fault from the very beginning.

I’m sorry I couldn’t be everything you wanted. I’m sorry I wasn’t everything you needed. I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry you gave up on me. I’m sorry I didn’t turn out to be the person you thought I was. I’m sorry I make mistakes. I’m sorry you hurt me. I’m sorry that you make me miserable. I’m sorry I disappoint you. I’m sorry I let you go. I’m sorry that I didn’t hold on tight enough. I’m sorry I was the one there for you. I’m sorry I listen to you. I’m sorry I fell for you. I’m sorry that I do everything wrong and nothing right. I’m sorry I cry. I’m sorry I’m so difficult. I’m sorry you wasted your time. And last of all, I’m sorry you don’t feel the same about me.

I don’t want to feel sorry for myself anymore. I feel sorry for you. I promised I would put my life into you & me. I promised I would be everything you wanted and needed. I promised I would always be there for you. I promised I wouldn’t hold you back from everything you wanted to do. I promised I wouldn’t do anything you didn’t want to do. I promised you a lot & you promised in return. Yet, I’m the only one keeping my promises lately. I know you’re going through a lot and I promised to always listen to everything you had to say. I promised to believe you whenever something was wrong and to just be there. I’ve kept that promise but all you do is push me away. I promise you that you won’t find one other person who cares about you as much as I do. I promise you won’t find someone who feels the way I do about you. I promise that I’m always going to be here for you when you need me. I promise I’ll never let go of you. I promise I’ll always be a good friend to you. I promise you we’re not going to fight anymore. I promise I’m going to chase you until you let me catch you. I’m going to care about you until you care about me the way I want you to. I’m going to hold you hand until you finally hold mine back. I’m going to hug you until you finally hug me back. I’m going to keep trying to kiss you until you finally kiss me back. I’m going to keep longing for you to miss me until you finally miss me back. I’m going to keep falling for you until you finally fall for me once again. I’m not moving on until you tell me to let go and just go away. That’s the day I’ll give up on everything.

FALLING, CRASHING, BURNING.

Do you know what it's like to have a million things running through your mind all at one time?Not knowing what you want, or any idea of what to do. It drives you nuts because you don't know what to do anymore. You don't want to speak to anyone. You feel lost & confused. You feel miserable & sad at the same time. You wanna cry & fight at the same time. A smile is forced upon your face because you don't want anyone to see you miserable. It's fighting inside your body & pushing it's way out. It's the demons inside your head telling you to give up & to stop fighting. Just to give up because you'll NEVER win. You might as well not even try because you don't have a chance in this world..

Well, I say I can do it.

I will fight.

I will smile.

I will beat this down inside of me.

I will come out on top.

I will overcome the fight inside of me telling me to give up.

I can do anything I put my mind to.

I've become a strong person because I put myself through pain. I thrust myself out into the battle between myself & the emotions all in my mind and my heart. My mind knows what's best for me but my heart knows what I want. I learned how to fight against the emotions inside of me. I learned how to speak to people & reach inside of them & pull out the good.

I will not fall.

I will not crash.

I will not burn.

I will not fail.

I will not quit.

I will come out on top. I will survive the battle everyone fights with them self. I survive the battle I fight with myself everyday. I will fight the battle that tells me I'm stupid for fighting what I believe in. I believe that one day I will get what I want & it will be exactly how I pictured it. I believe that no matter what, you'll always have one person to lean on. I also believe that everything happens for a reason, & it may take a while to find that reason. But eventually, you will find that reason & be thankful for everything you went through. My strength is almost gone, but I will still carry on. I'll find that person who will be there for me through it all. I'll find that person who loves unconditionally & forgives every mistake I make. I'll become the person I want to be & everyone will realize who I am.

I don't know who I am without you. I don't know if I can stand without you. Every time I hear your name, my heart starts racing. Every time someone says your name, I think they're talking about you but it's a completely different person. Every time I think of your face, my stomach starts to hurt. Every time before I see you, I get butterflies. Every time I think of how you hurt me, I want to throw up. Every time I think of the things you say to me, my head starts to hurt. Every time I think of how you used to kiss me, my heart begins to hurt. Every time I think of our memories together, I start to cry. It's moving on that's the hard part, and I find it emotionally impossible. I want to lie on the ground & never get back up. But somewhere inside me, I find the hope & strength to once again fight for you the way I want you to fight for me.

DON'T LET ME GO.

I'm falling apart, and this time it's too late for you to say sorry. I can't believe that line one more time. I'm saying good-bye and this time I mean it. You've used the last straw and this was the last chance I'd given you. I've learned my lesson.

It's hard saying no to someone you truly care about and someone you want to be there for. It's hard when you pour your heart and soul out to someone and they don't say anything back. It's hard to walk away from the one person you don't want to ever leave your life. It's easy to take that person back instead of walking away. It's easy to forgive them. It's easy to try to forget what happened. It's easy to say yes instead of no. It's easy to believe someone instead of thinking they're lying. It's easy to put all your trust in them but hard to believe they'd betray that trust. It's easy to want that person but hard to realize they don't want you back. It's easy to love a person but hard to see they don't feel the same. It's hard to find out they'd lied to you the whole time but easy to believe they would never lie. It's never going to be one or the other. You always have one or the other, and it's ever the one you want. It's hard fighting for a guy who never fights for you back. It's hard looking at the person you fell for & watching them be with someone else. It's harder to watch the person you fell for, look at you the same but then tell you they don't feel anything.

It's weird walking away from someone you really care about. It's hard to lie to everyone when you know how you truly feel and just can't help how you feel. Moving on is the hardest part. Kissing another guy is even weirder when you're looking for the other guy's touch.

Fighting just to feel something is something everyone does. As a girl, you just want a reaction. As a guy, he wants to see you care. Girls tend to fight with guys because the guy shows no emotion & the girl wants to see if they feel anything. Everyday gets harder walking past each other like you barely know each other. It's heartbreaking to see he wants everything you want, but he knows you can't have it. It's amazing to be head over heels one day, to hating each other the next day. It's different just walking past each other.

It's funny how you can still smile & act like everything is perfectly okay, when we all know it's not. The only person who doesn't know is him. You just wanna say, fight for me like i fight for you. Chase me like I chase you. Be there for me like I'm there for you. Listen to me the way I listen to you. I'm slipping from your grip & I'm gonna fall. You're gonna loose me.

Don't let me go, just don't.

FAITH.

Believing in yourself is something that everyone struggles with. It's the fight you battle within yourself to come out on top. I know that believing in myself is a struggle I go through everyday. I know what's best for me but I choose to follow what everyone else thinks I should do. I know I'm strong, but I still listen to all the voices around me, instead of the one in my head. I'm a strong girl, but I still fall weak.

Faith is also in the guy above. I've been through some pretty tough times & I'm sure anyone reading this has had at least one bump in the road. But to me, those bumps are there to test you. If God never tested you, he wouldn't know just how much faith you have in him. I believe God is the only one who can save me, & the only person who will never fail me. Everyone in your life will fail you at one point in time & you'll wonder how you ever had faith in that person. But then, you'll realize that no one is perfect except God. He is the one guy who knows just how to take care of you, & only pushes you as far as he knows you can go.

Life will always hand you hardships & you have to know how to get through them. God never said life was going to be easy but he will never make you go through something you can't get through. If life was easy, you'd never be so happy when you got through the obstacles. Life is one adventure & it always throws suprises at you. You have to know how to handle them & move on. It's the heartbreaks, tears, smiles, laughs, & fights that make life interesting. Don't ever give up on someone, you could be the only person they could count on. Don't ever take no for an answer on something you really want, & never ever stop loving the person you love. One day they'll realize how much you mean, & when that time comes, you'll be able to say no. The strength you gain from being hurt is the strongest kind of strength you can achieve, & you never want to forget that.

LOVE HURTS.

Love is a scary word because it's so strong. When you love someone, you'd give your world to be with them. You think of nothing but being with them. It's also the distance you can be from this person & you still make it. It's letting someone go just to see if they come back. It's pursing something because you love it & can't let it go.

" My heart has become a piece of paper, easy to rip up & throw away"

I've let my feelings be controlled, & gotten to the point where I just can't deal with it anymore. Your feelings are yours. Do not ever let anyone else control how you feel. You shouldn't be pushed around & played with. Emotions are problems sometimes & you can't help how you feel. I don't think anyone can throw away someone else's love.

I don't believe I've ever been in love but I know how it feels to have your heart ripped out. I've been so down on the ground not knowing what to do anymore. Looking around at everyone else being happy, & knowing that you once had that, but it was ruined. I know what it's like to cry & cry until it feels like you don't have any tears left. I know what it's like to have to try to be friends with someone you want more than anything in this world. I know what it's like to not know what to do with yourself. All you want to do is cry, hate, and hurt the person that hurt you the way they did. I know what it's like to feel like the one person you care about most in this world doesn't & won't look at you the way you look at them ever again. I know what it's like to hate yourself because you don't think you're good enough. I know what it's like to want to run away from all your problems. But chances are, you're going to get caught up with. The person who hurt you, they'll never know what you felt. The person you're crazy about probably won't come back to you, and eventually you'll have to move on. It really hurts at first & then you'll get sick of feeling unwanted. You'll feel miserable all the time & eventually it will hit you that you don't always have to be like that. You'll see that you're choosing to be that way. It's going to be weird letting go & moving on at first, but sooner or later you'll feel better. The sooner, the better.

It's easier to hold on & hope for something good to come out of it. But, it won't happen. The good you once had is completely gone. You get sick of trying & the other person not doing anything. You'll get sick of chasing something that doesn't care enough about you to want you to catch them. It's a never-ending story & it will never change. Guys play games with your head & eventually you might find a good one, but deep down they're still that same guy who hurt you in the beginning. "Once a cheater, always a cheater. Once a liar, always a liar." The list goes on & on.

Hide your heart, & don't give it away. Pieces of your heart come and go, but you'll never get them back. Protect your heart & don't fall easily. Any guy who says he truly cares about you, test it. Push his limits & see how far he'll go to be with you. A guy in his right mind, will fight & fight to be with you. Personally, guys need to step it up. Guys should do anything they can to be with a girl they truly care about.

I say it's time to say goodbye. It's time to let go & move on. I tell myself this everyday. Life is too short to be hung up on one person. You have your whole life ahead of you & it's time to set yourself free from the chains you put on yourself. It's okay to be hurt. It's okay to cry. It's okay to move on. Obviously the other person has, and now it's your turn. Just take a step back, and realize that all the pain you're being put through isn't necessary. Nothing should hurt you as bad as you think. Everything should just go right if it's going to work out in the end.

" My heart was the only thing I was holding on to, and I've fallen."

It's hard admitting that you're heartbroken. When your heart breaks, don't deny it. Face the fact, embrace the pain, & it will go away. At first, the pain feels unbearable & you don't know what to do with yourself. Eventually, you'll realize that it wasn't worth it. Anyone who truly cares about you, will never put you in so much pain. Second chances are just a free pass to feel that pain again. Upon letting go, you'll feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. That unbearable feeling in the pit of your stomach will be gone & you will be released. It's the most amazing feeling your heart can feel. You'll feel lost around the people you care about most for a little while but don't cut them out. Don't push the people who care most out of your life, all they want to do is help. It's great to let them help you. It's crazy to not. You need to surround yourself with the people who actually love you because the love you were looking for before in that other person, it's pointless. It was never there. You may have had it engraved in your head that one day it would work & you always took no as a yes. It was a no, he meant it & now you have to get over it. You'll find it in your heart to forgive him someday. He'll say he's sorry but don't believe it. He uses that as a pass to get back in your life &try to play with you again. To him, it's a game. He wants to see how long he can make you hang on, & as a girl, you'll just wait around because you believe him when he tells you he cares. If he told you he loved you, you'd melt. You'd feel the happiest you ever felt in your life but he wouldn't mean it. No guy can love you as much as he says he does. He's trying to make you feel better & as a guy, that's the only way he knows how.

Crying can usually help some of the pain come out. It's the unbearable pain you feel all over. Where you feel if you move, you'll fall because you're so weak. Goodbye is the perfect word to think of.

Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye.