Valentine's Day

Today has been a day of reflection; How crazy that a year ago on this day, I felt at my lowest. I felt hopeless, empty, broken, and shattered. I was confused to say it simply. I wasn’t sure why I was placed in a position filled with despair and heartache. I remember driving home trying to hold everything together, searching my brain for answers that didn’t exist. I thought for sure I had to be dreaming or living someone else’s life. He was the love of my life, I thought. Little did I know I was embarking on the beginning of my greatest adventure — the adventure of finding myself.

The next few days were some of the loneliest, darkest days I’ve experienced yet. Loneliness is a sign that you are in desperate need of yourself, I was told. I struggled to accept this because I couldn’t stand the thought of being alone. The amount of tears shed in the first week were more than I knew possible. I couldn’t figure out how more could develop, yet the flow never ceased. They fell in the morning, during the day, and every single night. As I leaned on God for strength and hope, the tears fell less frequently. He provided me with strength I never knew existed; a strength only known and shared by Him.

While getting out of that dark place wasn’t easy or a fast process, I did it. (How great it feels to say that.) I began to climb out of the hole I’d dug myself into; the one filled with hopelessness and despair. I began to notice a strength in myself, with an empowering drive to change.

When I say change, I am referring to growth. Growing as an individual, a friend, a daughter, a student, and a child of God. I chose to not only stop allowing someone else to define how I felt about myself, but also how I felt mentally and physically. I chose to put myself first. The individual I was at the time was dependent on others for happiness. That changed. I began to realize just how little I needed anyone other than myself. As I came to this realization, chains that had anchored me down for months suddenly unlocked. I had found the key to my freedom, and all along it was inside of me, waiting for me to uncover it.

Through this process of mental recovery, I began to learn more about not only the individual I was, but also the individuals I had in my life. I found myself giving everything to those who only provided me with the bare minimum they could. Through this, I learned that I deserve the love I keep giving to others, only I kept giving it to the wrong people and letting them convince me otherwise. To put it simply, I was stupidly settling. I am special, important, beautiful, independent, loving, adventurous, and brilliant. Why was I letting someone make me feel any less than that? For a girl with a 3.7 GPA, I struggled to understand the concept of not wearing my heart on my sleeve. But as time went on, I learned that is a strength I encompass. I designated it as a flaw for so long because I thought it made me weak, but I was so clearly wrong. It takes strength to trust again, strength to love again, strength to smile again, strength to get up in the morning, strength to push through the pain, and strength to open up again. I am a warrior. Consequently, I keep fighting every day.

You see, the fight didn’t stop then and it hasn’t stopped still. The fight is a continuous one experienced daily. Other individuals have walked into my life, knocked me off the steady ground I had built to stand on, and I’ve had to find that safe place again. I’ve trusted people who weren’t worth my trust, I’ve allowed pieces of me to be taken by those unworthy of my greatness, and I’ve found myself disappointed by people I believed in. A rollercoaster of emotions, this journey of life, is filled with days of euphoria, then days of grief. The latest and greatest lesson taught on my adventure: how to find hope in the disappointment. Disappointment comes in many shapes and sizes, and unfortunately, i was invited to a viewing party of quite a few; each one providing a different lesson to take home with me. People walk away suddenly, and you may never know why- let them. People will lie and manipulate you for personal gain- let them go. I don’t need anyone who doesn’t need me. The people supposed to be in your life will be, and we can’t continue to question why things happen. I am stubborn and difficult, but I’m growing. This is why I refuse to give up hope; because that’s what this year taught me.

“Perhaps this is the moment for which you have been created.”

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." This quote has been with me since I was 14 years old, on a retreat in 8th grade. Back then, I felt like the "journey" I was about to embark on was entering high school. Of course I was ready, right? Who wasn't. Now, if you know me, you know I lose things pretty often or get new things to replace the old. My jewelry changes every couple years, with one exception. That ring. For some reason, it's been the only ring I've never lost. It has never dulled, and the words are still clear, with the exception of a dent from being worn every day for the past 7-8 years. When I look at that ring now, I find a completely different meaning. A deeper meaning to be specific. This ring is my reminder to keep going, no matter how tough I think the day that lies ahead of me may be. This ring states that life is to be lived in the present, and every day is a new day, or a new journey. What happened yesterday or what will happen tomorrow isn't something to fret about (how cliche, I know).

One of my other favorite quotes comes from a poem and correlates with this one. "Two roads divulged in a woods- I took the road less traveled, and that has made all the difference." I struggle with this daily myself. It's hard to take the first step on a journey into the unknown. It's easier to take the same road as everyone else because you know what to expect. But then, aren't you losing the excitement of encountering the unexpected? The enthralling, beautiful unexpected. To me, the best things in life are the ones you least expect. God has a plan for all of us, and similarly, it's one we do not know (full of unexpected things). That's the best part, God wants to surprise us with this remarkable plan He created just for us, no one else. My plan is different than yours, yet they're both 100% perfect for each of us. While waiting isn't easy, the finish line is more than worth the wait. Ever heard the expression, "Nothing worth having comes easy"? This is exactly what He wants us to know. The greatness he has planned for us, it may not be easy to reach but in the end, we will be praising Him endlessly.

So what do you do until then? Pray. Pray when you wake up. Pray when you want to yell at the asshole driver in front of you. Listen to Matt Maher (you won't regret it). Pray before a test and after it. Pray while studying. Pray when you feel down. Pray when you're overjoyed. The most important thing most of us tend to forget is to praise Him in the good times AND the bad. So many of us, myself included, forget to pray to him when we're happy. It's our selfish tendency to pray to Him because we need help of some sort. Yet, when he answers those prayers, we quit sending more. This isn't what you would do to a friend who helped you now is it? When your friend/family does a favor for you, don't you plead and beg until they agree to help and return it with a million thank you's? That's what we need to do as well, just with God. He truly wants what is best for each of us, and since he knows what that is, by praying to him, He will answer your prayers with the right answer and the right timing.

The love we will find in someone else who knows this as well, will be the most magnificent love to exist. Many of us have experienced first loves, second loves, and those we thought we would spend forever with. But when you think back on those times, do your best to remember the good times. Why? Because when you can admire the degree of happiness you felt then, feeling like there was nothing that could make you happier; Well, just know that there will be. There is a love out there that is going to triumph over the past ones. There is someone out there made solely and specifically for you. How cool is that? While we, as girls, lay in bed at night scrolling through the happy couples on Instagram wondering when someone is going to love us that way; Be calm and know that someone will, at the right time, in the right place, and it will be more than you ever imagined it could be.

“When I wait, you strengthen my heart.” Psalm 27:14 “What God does in us while we wait is as important as what we are waiting for.” He is molding and transforming us into exactly who we are supposed to be. During my darkest and weakest moments, I've found clarity. When I felt as if my heart were the ugliest, God reminded me I was beautiful and he was all forgiving. There's no greater love than the one you find in Him, and it is endless. He isn't like other men who only want one thing, and end up hurting you. He is the best friend who you can go running to at any time of day or night, and he will wipe away your tears. When you feel weak, lean on him and he will give you strength. When you feel like you can't go on, he will provide comfort. The best part is, he's always around too. He never leaves; He will never abandon us.

“God give me faith to wait and not manipulate. To trust You fully, no matter how my circumstances may appear." “You are loved more than you will ever know by someone who died to know you.” — Romans 5:6 “I will never leave you or forsake you.”— Joshua 1:5 Finally, I'll leave you with this quote because it truly gave me peace the other day. When I was feeling lost, scared, and truly didn't know if I'd be able to take the first step onto the journey of finding myself and my happiness with myself again, I stumbled across this beautiful verse. It has changed everything. “Whenever you feel unloved, unimportant, or insecure, remember to whom you belong.” — Ephesians 2:19-22

When it's time to let go

Take the time you have now to be alone, sleep alone, & just be to yourself. In the midst of doing all that, you're gonna learn about yourself. You may learn some good and maybe some bad. But either way, you'll grow. In that time, find what inspires you & what your dreams are for your future. Once you do this, you'll find so much clarity in your life & that's when you're gonna meet someone new. It'll be a special someone because you'll be more sure of yourself & who you are & what you want. If you wait for this & make an effort for it, you will have the most beautiful experience in your life. Most of us rush into things with our heads not on right & that's where we mess up. There are moments of your past that will stay with you & words that are gonna stick with you for a very long time. But don't let those define you. They were simply moments & words. You can't allow for the negative events in your life to outline the way you view yourself, as in asking what's wrong with you & what you did wrong. The answer to that question is simple- absolutely nothing. Things just happen in life & that just means something better is coming along. If you allow for all the negative events in your life to affect you completely, then you will view the world around you negatively & what a shame that would be because the world is full of so many beautiful people & things. You just have to close your eyes for awhile & let all the negativity in your life disappear. Then open your eyes & allow yourself to feel & experience the beauty & freedom this life has to offer you. There is something breathtakingly beautiful in the moments of smaller magic that occur when you strip down and are honest with yourself and those who are important to you. Focus on those who focus on you because you don't need to waste energy on people who aren't expending energy over you. Remember that there are 6 billion people in this world; which is a very large number & one day, everything will make sense because you'll meet another 1 in 6 billion that'll be the right one. So stop fretting over the bad aspects on your life & set your sights on all you have to be thankful for. You're alive, breathing, & free. There's so much for to conquer in your life & you won't find that or succeed in that by allowing yourself to sulk over negative events going on. Pick your chin up & realize what you deserve. Life is just so great, begin living it in the moment & you'll never look back. 

Every single day.

I miss you. There I said it, I miss you like crazy. I miss you all the time, no matter what I'm doing or who I'm with. I think about you in everything I do, whether I'm out and about or just sitting in my room. I can't take your necklace off or remove the pictures because then this all becomes real for me and I don't think I can do that yet. I'm not over you but I'm doing a good job convincing everyone else that I am. I wanted you to think I'd moved on so that you could. You always deserved someone better than me. I knew it and so did you. You deserve everything in this world and in this life, and I couldn't provide you with that. I miss your smile because its the only thing that can get me out of a bad mood. I miss your laugh because it fills my heart with happiness. I chose to make mistakes this time for the both of us. I knew you should never be with me again, so I did what I had to do to make sure that you never got back together with me. I knew what I had to do because you told me from the start. I don't care how it makes me look and I'm going to have to learn to not care how it makes you think of me because I am so tired of making you miserable and unhappy. My heart hurts every night when I try to go to sleep because I know I'm only lying to myself. I know I'm not over you and I don't know why but I keep feeling like I'm not supposed to be. I wish I could talk to you because you're the only person who ever understood me completely and fully. I'm sorry that I had to hurt you. I didn't want to but I knew I had to. You're my whole heart and I think I know deep down you always will be. I think I also know deep down this wasn't how it was supposed to end. I think God has a plan for me and I think it still involves you. I think that every night God puts you in my dreams for a reason and I don't think it's coincidental that I fall asleep crying over you every single night. I don't think I'll ever fully move on because I don't think I really want to. I don't want to be with anyone else and I don't care about anyone else the same way I cared about you. I don't ever want to feel that way about anyone else. I swore my heart to you and I know for a fact it's still yours no matter how many times I lie and say its not. I'm good at pretending everything is okay during the day but at night I fall apart. When no one is around and no one can see me, I fall apart with my whole entire world caving in. I look through our pictures every night before I fall asleep and I cry until I'm tired because I can't sleep if I don't. I want to hold you one last time, I want to tell how in love with you I am one last time. But I know these things won't happen. I know I have to push forward everyday for the rest of time because I know you deserve better and I love you that much. I love you more than anything in this world and I'd give up anything just for it to work between us. I'd literally give my whole life for one last chance to work. You're the one thing in my life I know. You chose to take my heart and I don't think I'll ever get it back. No matter how much time passes, it'll always be you. Yes, always you.

Growing with time.

When you've finally had enough, growing begins to hit your heart. You feel like there's not a chance you could stoop any lower. You have good days, then you have bad days. When the bad days come, they hit hard as hell. You don't have much of an option but to endure the pain and work through it all. The memories, the love, and even words will tear you open. Nothing can stop everything from flooding in at once as it begins. You find yourself fighting all of the pain and trying to run from it instead of working through it. Once you can truly decide to work through it, the tears will flow just as much, but it gets easier to let them fall. After you get tired of crying, you'll feel a bit of strength inside of you. You'll feel less obligated to want to reach out to someone. Take that strength with stride and grow through it. Wake up every day telling yourself that the day is going to go right and that nothing can tear you down this time. Pick your head up, smile, and don't let anyone get in your way of being happy. Push out the ideas of thinking you aren't good enough and pull in the people who make you see clearly. Everyone deserves happiness, even when it seems utterly impossible for that to be true. Life is never simple. It takes sharp turns and knocks you down most of the time. But, the strongest people are the ones who get put through the most and still find a reason to get up every morning fighting. It's wrong to give up on yourself because one day you'll look back and be thankful that you kept going. Someone out there will be thankful that you never gave up on yourself and you'll be thanking God for the second chance. I know that right now everything I'm saying feels completely impossible but I also know that I've got to pick myself up off the ground, wipe away the tears, and put the past where it belongs. If someone leaves you, leave them. A heart is not meant to be walked all over, but to be cherished and flourished with love. If you aren't receiving that or feel as if you aren't good enough, you've given your heart to the wrong person. Don't make that mistake more than once. Each person you trust with your heart is a risk. You must decide which people are worth the risk and if you decide they are, love like hell and never look back. Second chances are always risks and should never be regretted. Grow with the days that continue on and continue being the amazing person you are. Don't forget how much you grow, and don't forget what this teaches you.

Everything is always okay.

My whole shell was on tight. The shell was used for protection and not a person in this whole wide world would see past that shell. That was the plan at least. But in life, plans don't always go accordingly. The boy came from nowhere. He was out of the blue and picked away every part of the shell until there was nothing left to it. The pores surrounded the boy and the girl, all the little pieces shattered on the ground. He wanted to throw it away for good and put it in the past but she was skeptical. She wasn't sure about it just yet. She had women's intuition and it's a good thing she did. When he left, she was alone. The shell was in pieces, she was by herself, and she was afraid. She wondered day after day how she would ever get by without him. She walked aimlessly around with no feelings, just numbness. It began to take over her body. She began to be comfortable in this feeling. Her heart was safe again, hidden under the numbness and pain she felt inside. The new shell she wore was the one of vulnerability. She didn't know how to put the past in the past where it belonged. As all the pieces of the past began to fade away day by day, the days got easier and the pain lessened. By removing the pictures, the letters, and all the shiny things, she felt her burden ease up on her and felt the past where it should be. She began to realize she had taken a step she truly believed she would never be able to do. The impossible had been possible for her and this reality hit like a freight train. Although she could still feel the vulnerability around her, she pressed on with her life and continued moving forward with her progress. She knew better this time around than to be the broken girl who gets used. By being used, this meant she was weak. She was stronger this time and she knew that deep down. This was when the reality of her situation began to take a toll on her. The boy was a dependent person. He never showed that to anyone but her. She knew all along she wanted him around, but it never hit her that she truly didn't "need" him the way he needed her. And this is why he left. The idea of him needing the girl was so frightening because he had been afraid to be left. So instead, he took his fear and placed it into her life. This boy made the girl so afraid that she would never trust again. But as the little girl began to move on with the ghosts of her past, she realized she would still be okay. Everyday she is reminded of the boy but she's learned to look past it and find beauty in the past and the way it all had to happen. She is not sad about it anymore, but rather she smiles at the memories and hides the sadness away in her heart. She found that being alone and without him was actually okay with her. And this fact alone, proved she was stronger than she ever believed possible.

Love is here.

No road is ever perfect but it's for the flaws and mistakes that we fall more and more for someone. The smile someone can put on your face is enough. The moments someone can take your breath away are the moments where we thank God we're alive. And last, the moments where you feel like you never want to leave that moment, those are the moments worth living for. These are all apart of falling in love. We don't fall in love with perfect people. We fall in love with imperfect people who are perfect for us. I believe that when you truly love someone, the whole world stops spinning when you aren't together. I believe that being in love is the greatest feeling and not worth giving up for anything. Love is an emotion that has no adjectives or nouns to even come close to being able to describe it. Love begins in your heart and spreads throughout your body. It can consume your life. A life without love is a life not lived. Love can make people do some pretty stupid things. Love can also drive some people crazy. The best love is being in love with your best friend. The moments where you get to be silly and just laugh at each other are the moments that all make it feel real. Being able to share trust in each other is definitely a virtue to cherish. Another virtue to cherish is patience. As hearts heal and wounds begin to open back up, as the other part of the love, you have to be patient and wait for the right time to come. If you try to jump back in so quickly, the wounds and scars can only get bigger. Another virtue needed is faith. Having faith in what God can bring to you is truly a magnificent thing to have in the relationship. With God helping to push the two of you forward, it feels like your heart is floating on air. Love is truly a beautiful creation. It's like a flower. It starts off small and closed. You have to properly feed and nurture the flower before it can open up to let everyone see it's beauty. After its open, it's vulnerable to all the surroundings. As long as you care for the flower, it will stay beautiful. We must do the same with love. It must be filled with care, compassion, and all the virtues necessary. Love is an emotion with no meaning but the greatest feelings.

Late night thoughts.

As I lay down, all the thoughts start to rush through my head. Why did I do that? Why woul I let myself do something so stupid? Why did I mess it all up? The answers never seem to pop up. Until I read something in a bathroom the other day. It was a quote I knew so familiarly when I was a child. The quote said life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. Life is about dancing in the rain. I began to try to put this quote into position in my life. Truth is, my life feels like a huge storm is hanging over my head and there isn't a way to get away from it. I see the light and I cling to it for dear life, but in the end, I lose grip. So I fall right back under the storm. So as I started to think about this quote, I thought of how to apply it. What I should do in order to make it apply in my life and to the current situations I find myself put into. I may be underneath a storm, but when that little light comes through instead of clinging to it, I need to hold it and cherish it for the little time I'm aloud to have. Instead of worrying about when I'll lose it, I need to think positively about the time I have with the light before the darkness comes back around. The harder I cling to the light, the more the storm wants to fight it and win it over. This applies in almost every situation. The storm will always exist in your life. It will never go away. But once you find your light, don't let it go. Make sure that you treat the light with care because you want the light to break up your darkness more often that the time you're surrounded by the darkness. Light conquers darkness everytime will always be the truth.

It sets back in.

The feeling so close to you sets back in. The feeling you know oh so well. It's best friends consist of crying, puking, and sleeping. You don't get out of bed. You don't stop crying. You can't smile. You feel yourself stop wanting to do anything. You feel as if everything around you is dead. That setting is depression. You fit in so well, it's as if you were born there. The people recognize you because you've visited before. You just can't shake the feeling out of you. You become scared of him. He is the one who controls you. He is the one you love and you broke him. You broke him, so he broke you. You saw it all crumbling around you and so did he. But you both couldn't give up. It's that L word that you were both afraid of. You squeeze yourself to feel something but everything is numb. Only his touch releases a bit of the pain and numbness inside. And when he leaves, all of it comes back. You knew better but the feeling of love told you that you couldn't resist. You couldn't resist this one. He was THE one. Yet you still played it safe. And after you let it all out there, you tried to run and hide. Only his grip was so tight, that you fell even deeper into him. You fell so deep that you knew you'd stay there forever. Until you without any insight of it happening, broke him. Now he visits with you. 

Courage and time.

I know that in life things are tough. Some are easy, some are difficult, and some are in between as to we barely pay attention to. But as life begins to progress, we as people begin to find our place in this crazy cycle we call life. We find out who was meant to stay and we find out who was meant to just stop for a visit and move on with their life. Every person has a story and every story has a beginning, middle, and end. Not everyone is fortunate to have a person to fill almost every part in those slots. Few find their soulmates at such a young age. Few find their soulmate at an older age. Every heart ranges, and every beat is different. When you find the heart that is like yours in many ways, dig deeper. When you find that the beat is so close to yours, they could almost be identical, take hold and never let go.  

I've learned that giving up isn't the hardest part but the easy part. Anyone who choses to give up, they don't win or gain anything. The one who pursues on whether it's tough, or easy, is the winner. As life moves forward, throwing the many different opportunities our way, we are forced to chose one or the other. Sometimes one out of many. Whether the decision is friendship or relationship or job or school. Life hands us many different decisions and we're forced as people to decide for ourselves. Although one decision may be tougher than another, it's never going to be something you or I cannot handle. The life we live may be rough at times, but never something we could not handle. 

I've never been the type to give up. I keep everything, I hold on to everything, and I keep a firm grip on those I love. I hold fast to memories and I keep my eyes set on the path in front of me. Well at least I used to. But then you happened. You showed me this world that had a brighter future, happier memories, and a greater present. I've never began to consider a life without you because for me, there isn't a life without you. Whenever I get scared of losing someone, my guard pops up and I begin shutting all doors. But this time, I don't want to do that. I want to knock down all walls and open all doors. I want your hands to reach inside of me and pull every emotion from my core. I want to be able to feel the grip you have on my heart and my all around being. I want to know that the grip you have is do tight, it would never fail. I believe in you, I believe in your future, not only alone, but also your future with me. I have always given my all to the ones I loved and that's what I'll continue to do until the day I'm asked not to anymore. You are the love of my life. The person I want to have and to hold from this day forward. In sickness and health. For richer for poorer. I promise to give my love my heart and my everything to you forever. You are the love of my life.

Emptiness.

Why is that when she has the whole world in the palm of her hand, she feels empty? Why is it that when she has everyone around her, she feels the most alone she's ever felt? Why is it that when she feels that everything is falling apart, in reality, it's all together? Why is it that when she finally does the right thing, it feels so wrong? Why is it that when she loses herself, everyone feels as if they finally see the real her? Why is it that she can't find happiness, but she looks the happiest she's been in a while? Why does she give up everything for someone, when they wouldn't give up anything for her? Why does she hide everything, but feels exposed to everything? Why does she hide from everything, but gets hurt more in the long run? Why does she know all that's wrong, but in her head it all fits together right? Why does she cry when she's alone, but wears that smile that fools numerous people? Why can't the girl just give up and move on with life? 

The answer never seems to fit. 

It's as if the emptiness begins to consume everything. She can't find anything to hold on to. It's all floating away. It's like a hole has been built inside her chest. She's tried filling it with sex, drugs, and alcohol. She's lost in a world full of passion and she can't find what she wants. She tried to find that love everyone raves about having. She tried to have fun and pretend like nothing was bothering her. But at the end of the day, the emptiness begins eating her alive. Her eyes are so cloudy because she's afraid to cry. She feels as if she begins to cry, she'll never stop. She has no heart anymore. Her body feels numb, cold as stone. If anyone looked inside her, you couldn't recognize her. She's just a body, her soul consumed with unrecognizable things. 

She begins searching for answers but she can't find any. She's disappearing inside herself. She's lost herself in a world she can't even identify. Every step she takes, feels like a mistake. She can't do anything right and she feels like she's done. She just wants to be done with everything. She's looking for an answer and no one can give her the right one. She's searching for someone. She's searching for that one person with all the answers but that person doesn't exist anymore. She doesn't exist anymore. She's dead to herself and everyone else. She's practically invisible.

She's disappointed and anyone whoever had faith in her lost all of it. She gets yelled at because all she does is mess up. She causes problems and can't do a single thing correctly. She thinks life is just some game and she gets to pick who and what she wants to be. She's just a stupid child who can't do the right thing. She's a disappointment to her parents and her family. She's a disappointment to anyone who knows her. All her life is a lie. All her days filled with regret. If she didn't exist, life wouldn't be altered too much. 

She's broken down inside and she's a troubled little girl. She's bottled everything up because she's never met anyone who cared enough to brake past it all.  She's terrified of the unknown and embraces the known. She runs to what she knows and runs from what she doesn't. She'll never let anyone close enough to know how she truly feels. She'll never let anyone in to see the scars she has. She'll never let anyone in to see the broken girl she truly is. She fears someone coming into her life. She fears the day they walk away. It was a sad day the day she lost HIM. She promised herself she'd never make that mistake again, and to this day, she hasn't. 

As the troubled little girl, she hides. She hides from feelings, emotions, pain, suffering, and sadness. She refuses anyone who tries for her. She puts down any fight anyone puts up for her. She won't ever cross the line again. She's smart about hiding. She puts the pain in places no one will ever know or see. She's a little girl deep down, but you'd never know it from the front she puts up. She was forced to grow up the day she realized she lost it all. And that all, was her faith. She lost her faith in people. She realized no one was who they said they were and everybody was full of it. She realized at the end of the day, the only thing anyone cared about, was themselves. She lost her everything that day. And that little girl.. She's been gone ever since. 

Scribble Scratch.

As a part of growing up, we go through many different challenges and struggles. Life throws situations at us that seem completely impossible to overcome. Sometimes these are with other people and some of the struggles and complications exist within ourselves. The struggles within ourselves are the worst because you don't want the help of anyone else. You battle with yourself against whether you should care or not, whether it means something or whether you're just being stupid.

Instead of following our hearts, we tend to follow our heads. As girls, we believe we know everything. We also believe that every guy is out there to hurt us. Occasionally, this fact isn't true. It's about 99.9% true and then there is that .1% that pops out of no where and shows you just how different one person can be from everyone else. It's almost like a slap in the face because you believed you knew it all and then this new idea of someone being different blows your mind. You can't wrap your head around it. It distracts you from everything and you begin to over analyze it all.

Thinking of where to start with the thoughts flooding inside of my head is the hardest place to start. But let's begin with the feeling of having lost myself this year. I began putting all my trust into one person and I felt completely vulnerable to every flourishing emotion in my body. I didn't know who to trust and I didn't know who was really influencing me in my life. I began to push everyone out and I began to just think of my emotions over and over again. Nobody wants be alone, right? That's what I always thought. But why's this such a bad thing? You learn who you are, what you want, and what you need. As you become independent, you also begin to trust yourself and the choices you choose to make. There's a few of us who think we're never alone but if you honestly think about it, we're all alone. At the end of the day, everyone thinks about themselves. You could spend all day dwelling on someone else but before the day ends, you will dwell on you and all the problems you supposedly have.

I feel numb. I'm searching inside myself for the feelings I used to get so easily. I used to feel my heart rush and my breath almost get lost somewhere in my throat. It's not really there anymore. I can't find any tears to cry because I'm stronger this time. I'm not falling for anything anymore. I needed you to prove to me that people do care. I needed you to show me that people are liars. I needed you to show me just how bad life can suck sometimes. But most importantly, I needed you to show me that it was okay to care again. I know it's okay now. I see that. I found the strength to push away from you and I found it inside myself to let go.

As we're apart every day, I do hurt. I do feel that. I feel the loneliness begin to come back but this time it's not as bad as before. As the time passes by, I get by a little better. It wasn't your fault, I gave up a long time ago. I watched the sparkle in your eye die out and I watched the blush in my cheeks begin to fade. I watched the smiles turn into tears and I watched the emotions turn into fights. I began to get scared to get hurt again and I shut you out. I passed the turn on falling harder. I pushed you out and I didn't think twice about it. I didn't want to tell you for you in case of trying to persuade me to think about it again. It was what I wanted and I chose it without you. I had to. I didn't have a choice. I didn't want to be without you but I had to be strong. I gave myself an ultimatum and you didn't get the vote.

"Love isn't as scary as everyone says. I found love once and I'm not afraid of it anymore. It's a feeling of happiness and when it's shared, it's pure. But, when it's a one way street, it's just not worth it."

I'll miss you, really I will. I'll miss your texts every morning, I'll miss the smile with heart in it, I'll miss having your heart, I'll miss your hugs and the way I fit in your arms. I'll miss the way I cried in your chest because the feeling of losing you was to much for me to bear. I'll miss the way you pour your heart out to me. I'll miss your touch, I'll miss our phone calls and the way I get butterflies every time you say my name. I'm gonna miss just about everything about you and that's okay with me. I wanted you to fight for me, you know the way you used to beg for me to let you to do. But hey, we're not the same people we used to be now are you? We're two completely different people wanting to completely different things and it's about time we realize this.

All of it hits at once.

I wanna begin with I really care. But I miss you... Kind of alot. I got used to seeing you, kissing you, and all of the sudden it just stopped. I guess it makes me upset because I feel like you don't want me anymore. I don't feel like I matter anymore.

When my feelings don't matter anymore, I begin to deal with it alone. I push everyone out my life. It's a constant habit I posses. I get confused and I get lost. I get scared and I just let everything sit in my head. I don't like talking to people about how I feel because it's either pathetic or they just don't care. And that's understandable, because at the end of the day, everyone thinks about their own problems.

Well when I lay down to sleep and we're fighting, it really is hard for me to sleep. I toss and turn all night. I worry about what you're thinking and all that good stuff. It's not fair that you can be in my head constantly and I'm never in yours. It's not fair that I hurt because I never get to see you, kiss you, or touch you anymore. It's not fair that you get to chose whether I have a good or a bad day. Its not fair that when we fight, I upset myself and everyone who tries to talk to me. I guess alot isn't fair, huh.

I hate feeling like I mean nothing. I hate feeling like every scar I hid, is coming back to life. I feel like you took my heart. I feel like you're gonna take advantage of how much I care about you, because I do. I care so much.

I'm an emotional person, I know this. But I don't cry over just anyone. I really have to care. And I mean, I know I tell myself all the time I don't just to convince myself into not getting attached. I don't want to give it all up while I don't even know how it's supposed to be..

Confusion is something I find every girl posses. We all think into things just to find every scenario that could possibly exist. We can't control the way our minds think, especially those who have been hurt before. After dealing with the pain, it's extremely difficult opening up to someone new and not thinking into everything.

But it's like someone once told me, the smiles and kisses that we do have, are the reason to stick around. The fights and time spent apart is only a bump in the road. No road is ever perfect but it's for the flaws and mistakes that we fall more and more for someone. The smile someone can put on your face is enough. The moments someone can take your breath away are the moments where we thank God we're alive. And last, the moments where you feel like you never want to leave that moment, those are the moments worth living for.

You don't even know.

I'm faced with "what ifs" all the time. I want to feel good enough for you. I want to be more than enough, and that you don't need another person. I want you to want me for my heart. I want you to want every flaw and every imperfection I posses. 

I need you to see me and see what I see. I need you to make me feel like when I give you my heart, it's safe. I don't know.. I want you to kiss me like you don't want anyone else. I want you to look at me with those eyes of yours that I love and tell me I'm exactly what you want.. 

I'm gonna lose myself in you. I'm letting go of all my fears as you tear down the walls around my heart. I already feel myself falling more and more.  I mean yeah, I like the feeling. I absolutely love feeling like someone will catch me when I fall this time but I'm also scared. If you aren't gonna hurt me, then the feeling is okay to me.

It's as if you're in my head reading every thought as I form it. You know exactly what to say, when to say it, and just how to make me feel better. It's so different. I want to be different from every other girl for you. I guess I just want to be someone to you. 

I question my heart and my motives daily. I'm pretty sure I want something out of this but sometimes I have doubts. Am I strong enough to not push him away? Can I keep your heart long enough before you walk away? These are just a few. 

It's when you dig into my heart for answers to my past that really get to me. I mean I tell you but when we fight, that really tears me up inside. You learn more and more about me, and I know things about my past aren't the best, but I still need to know it's okay. 

I really don't have any intention of leaving you. I see you leaving me all the time. I see it and I feel it. I see your feelings disappear with each day passing by. I don't see your face light up when you see me anymore. I don't see that smile with heart in it that you promised was there..

You just can't even see what you do to my heart. You could tear, rip, or throw it away and you don't even see that. The way my heart is filled by you every day. The way you fill my face with a smile and just a smile from you can make my day. You can't even see it. You wonder if I care or you question how I feel. There is no question or no doubt in my mind of the way I feel.

One day you'll see that.

Dear Dylan.

I'm not sure when you'll come over this. I'm really not sure. But I have a few things I'd like to make sure you know. First of all, you are far from on your own with this. I've been where you are. I've been in your exact situation, the difference was though, I didn't tell anybody. The way you can tell me about it, makes you stronger than me in that situation. I dealt with everything on my own. And that wasn't right of me. It wasn't fair to the people I surrounded myself with. I was never in a good mood & I began shutting everyone who cared out of my life. I lost sight of everything that mattered. I became intensely depressed and I kept all of this inside my head. The only place I ever told anything to was this blog right here. I wrote everything down.

I want you to know that people do care about you. If you decided to take action and do something about your depression, you'd be hurting many people. And while in your head it doesn't seem that way, you would. In your head honestly, you're probably thinking, "Good, it'll hurt her. Maybe she'll care if I'm not here.. Maybe she'll miss me. I just want to hurt her the way she hurt me." Trust me dude, I've so been there. But one day, I realized how much hurt and pain I would cause those around me.

Your life is precious. You only have one life to live and while no one can tell you how to live your life, others can help steer you on the right track. The way you're thinking right now isn't clearly. Like I said, I've been there. I've been exactly where you are.

Let me guess, you feel as if no one cares about you because the one person you love more than anything, just doesn't love you back. Yeah, I've been there too. But I'm here to tell you, it gets better. As cliche as that sounds, it's so true. As time goes on, your heart will heal and you will grow from that. You'll realize that you're always going to care about that person but it's time to stop letting them control your life. I want you to see that I got through this and if I can do it, so can you. I let someone control and mess with my feelings for almost a year. It was uncontrollable. I couldn't do anything about it. But you know what, I saw the light in someone else. I found happiness in other things besides this person.

I don't know if this helps any, but I really hope it does. I'd hate to see you make the biggest mistake of your life because you feel like no one cares. People care Dylan, and they always have. That girl cares about you, but you've gotta live off more than that. You've just got to.