All of it hits at once.

I wanna begin with I really care. But I miss you... Kind of alot. I got used to seeing you, kissing you, and all of the sudden it just stopped. I guess it makes me upset because I feel like you don't want me anymore. I don't feel like I matter anymore.

When my feelings don't matter anymore, I begin to deal with it alone. I push everyone out my life. It's a constant habit I posses. I get confused and I get lost. I get scared and I just let everything sit in my head. I don't like talking to people about how I feel because it's either pathetic or they just don't care. And that's understandable, because at the end of the day, everyone thinks about their own problems.

Well when I lay down to sleep and we're fighting, it really is hard for me to sleep. I toss and turn all night. I worry about what you're thinking and all that good stuff. It's not fair that you can be in my head constantly and I'm never in yours. It's not fair that I hurt because I never get to see you, kiss you, or touch you anymore. It's not fair that you get to chose whether I have a good or a bad day. Its not fair that when we fight, I upset myself and everyone who tries to talk to me. I guess alot isn't fair, huh.

I hate feeling like I mean nothing. I hate feeling like every scar I hid, is coming back to life. I feel like you took my heart. I feel like you're gonna take advantage of how much I care about you, because I do. I care so much.

I'm an emotional person, I know this. But I don't cry over just anyone. I really have to care. And I mean, I know I tell myself all the time I don't just to convince myself into not getting attached. I don't want to give it all up while I don't even know how it's supposed to be..

Confusion is something I find every girl posses. We all think into things just to find every scenario that could possibly exist. We can't control the way our minds think, especially those who have been hurt before. After dealing with the pain, it's extremely difficult opening up to someone new and not thinking into everything.

But it's like someone once told me, the smiles and kisses that we do have, are the reason to stick around. The fights and time spent apart is only a bump in the road. No road is ever perfect but it's for the flaws and mistakes that we fall more and more for someone. The smile someone can put on your face is enough. The moments someone can take your breath away are the moments where we thank God we're alive. And last, the moments where you feel like you never want to leave that moment, those are the moments worth living for.

You don't even know.

I'm faced with "what ifs" all the time. I want to feel good enough for you. I want to be more than enough, and that you don't need another person. I want you to want me for my heart. I want you to want every flaw and every imperfection I posses. 

I need you to see me and see what I see. I need you to make me feel like when I give you my heart, it's safe. I don't know.. I want you to kiss me like you don't want anyone else. I want you to look at me with those eyes of yours that I love and tell me I'm exactly what you want.. 

I'm gonna lose myself in you. I'm letting go of all my fears as you tear down the walls around my heart. I already feel myself falling more and more.  I mean yeah, I like the feeling. I absolutely love feeling like someone will catch me when I fall this time but I'm also scared. If you aren't gonna hurt me, then the feeling is okay to me.

It's as if you're in my head reading every thought as I form it. You know exactly what to say, when to say it, and just how to make me feel better. It's so different. I want to be different from every other girl for you. I guess I just want to be someone to you. 

I question my heart and my motives daily. I'm pretty sure I want something out of this but sometimes I have doubts. Am I strong enough to not push him away? Can I keep your heart long enough before you walk away? These are just a few. 

It's when you dig into my heart for answers to my past that really get to me. I mean I tell you but when we fight, that really tears me up inside. You learn more and more about me, and I know things about my past aren't the best, but I still need to know it's okay. 

I really don't have any intention of leaving you. I see you leaving me all the time. I see it and I feel it. I see your feelings disappear with each day passing by. I don't see your face light up when you see me anymore. I don't see that smile with heart in it that you promised was there..

You just can't even see what you do to my heart. You could tear, rip, or throw it away and you don't even see that. The way my heart is filled by you every day. The way you fill my face with a smile and just a smile from you can make my day. You can't even see it. You wonder if I care or you question how I feel. There is no question or no doubt in my mind of the way I feel.

One day you'll see that.