I know that in life things are tough. Some are easy, some are difficult, and some are in between as to we barely pay attention to. But as life begins to progress, we as people begin to find our place in this crazy cycle we call life. We find out who was meant to stay and we find out who was meant to just stop for a visit and move on with their life. Every person has a story and every story has a beginning, middle, and end. Not everyone is fortunate to have a person to fill almost every part in those slots. Few find their soulmates at such a young age. Few find their soulmate at an older age. Every heart ranges, and every beat is different. When you find the heart that is like yours in many ways, dig deeper. When you find that the beat is so close to yours, they could almost be identical, take hold and never let go.
I've learned that giving up isn't the hardest part but the easy part. Anyone who choses to give up, they don't win or gain anything. The one who pursues on whether it's tough, or easy, is the winner. As life moves forward, throwing the many different opportunities our way, we are forced to chose one or the other. Sometimes one out of many. Whether the decision is friendship or relationship or job or school. Life hands us many different decisions and we're forced as people to decide for ourselves. Although one decision may be tougher than another, it's never going to be something you or I cannot handle. The life we live may be rough at times, but never something we could not handle.
I've never been the type to give up. I keep everything, I hold on to everything, and I keep a firm grip on those I love. I hold fast to memories and I keep my eyes set on the path in front of me. Well at least I used to. But then you happened. You showed me this world that had a brighter future, happier memories, and a greater present. I've never began to consider a life without you because for me, there isn't a life without you. Whenever I get scared of losing someone, my guard pops up and I begin shutting all doors. But this time, I don't want to do that. I want to knock down all walls and open all doors. I want your hands to reach inside of me and pull every emotion from my core. I want to be able to feel the grip you have on my heart and my all around being. I want to know that the grip you have is do tight, it would never fail. I believe in you, I believe in your future, not only alone, but also your future with me. I have always given my all to the ones I loved and that's what I'll continue to do until the day I'm asked not to anymore. You are the love of my life. The person I want to have and to hold from this day forward. In sickness and health. For richer for poorer. I promise to give my love my heart and my everything to you forever. You are the love of my life.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Emptiness.
Why is that when she has the whole world in the palm of her hand, she feels empty? Why is it that when she has everyone around her, she feels the most alone she's ever felt? Why is it that when she feels that everything is falling apart, in reality, it's all together? Why is it that when she finally does the right thing, it feels so wrong? Why is it that when she loses herself, everyone feels as if they finally see the real her? Why is it that she can't find happiness, but she looks the happiest she's been in a while? Why does she give up everything for someone, when they wouldn't give up anything for her? Why does she hide everything, but feels exposed to everything? Why does she hide from everything, but gets hurt more in the long run? Why does she know all that's wrong, but in her head it all fits together right? Why does she cry when she's alone, but wears that smile that fools numerous people? Why can't the girl just give up and move on with life?
The answer never seems to fit.
It's as if the emptiness begins to consume everything. She can't find anything to hold on to. It's all floating away. It's like a hole has been built inside her chest. She's tried filling it with sex, drugs, and alcohol. She's lost in a world full of passion and she can't find what she wants. She tried to find that love everyone raves about having. She tried to have fun and pretend like nothing was bothering her. But at the end of the day, the emptiness begins eating her alive. Her eyes are so cloudy because she's afraid to cry. She feels as if she begins to cry, she'll never stop. She has no heart anymore. Her body feels numb, cold as stone. If anyone looked inside her, you couldn't recognize her. She's just a body, her soul consumed with unrecognizable things.
She begins searching for answers but she can't find any. She's disappearing inside herself. She's lost herself in a world she can't even identify. Every step she takes, feels like a mistake. She can't do anything right and she feels like she's done. She just wants to be done with everything. She's looking for an answer and no one can give her the right one. She's searching for someone. She's searching for that one person with all the answers but that person doesn't exist anymore. She doesn't exist anymore. She's dead to herself and everyone else. She's practically invisible.
She's disappointed and anyone whoever had faith in her lost all of it. She gets yelled at because all she does is mess up. She causes problems and can't do a single thing correctly. She thinks life is just some game and she gets to pick who and what she wants to be. She's just a stupid child who can't do the right thing. She's a disappointment to her parents and her family. She's a disappointment to anyone who knows her. All her life is a lie. All her days filled with regret. If she didn't exist, life wouldn't be altered too much.
She's broken down inside and she's a troubled little girl. She's bottled everything up because she's never met anyone who cared enough to brake past it all. She's terrified of the unknown and embraces the known. She runs to what she knows and runs from what she doesn't. She'll never let anyone close enough to know how she truly feels. She'll never let anyone in to see the scars she has. She'll never let anyone in to see the broken girl she truly is. She fears someone coming into her life. She fears the day they walk away. It was a sad day the day she lost HIM. She promised herself she'd never make that mistake again, and to this day, she hasn't.
As the troubled little girl, she hides. She hides from feelings, emotions, pain, suffering, and sadness. She refuses anyone who tries for her. She puts down any fight anyone puts up for her. She won't ever cross the line again. She's smart about hiding. She puts the pain in places no one will ever know or see. She's a little girl deep down, but you'd never know it from the front she puts up. She was forced to grow up the day she realized she lost it all. And that all, was her faith. She lost her faith in people. She realized no one was who they said they were and everybody was full of it. She realized at the end of the day, the only thing anyone cared about, was themselves. She lost her everything that day. And that little girl.. She's been gone ever since.
The answer never seems to fit.
It's as if the emptiness begins to consume everything. She can't find anything to hold on to. It's all floating away. It's like a hole has been built inside her chest. She's tried filling it with sex, drugs, and alcohol. She's lost in a world full of passion and she can't find what she wants. She tried to find that love everyone raves about having. She tried to have fun and pretend like nothing was bothering her. But at the end of the day, the emptiness begins eating her alive. Her eyes are so cloudy because she's afraid to cry. She feels as if she begins to cry, she'll never stop. She has no heart anymore. Her body feels numb, cold as stone. If anyone looked inside her, you couldn't recognize her. She's just a body, her soul consumed with unrecognizable things.
She begins searching for answers but she can't find any. She's disappearing inside herself. She's lost herself in a world she can't even identify. Every step she takes, feels like a mistake. She can't do anything right and she feels like she's done. She just wants to be done with everything. She's looking for an answer and no one can give her the right one. She's searching for someone. She's searching for that one person with all the answers but that person doesn't exist anymore. She doesn't exist anymore. She's dead to herself and everyone else. She's practically invisible.
She's disappointed and anyone whoever had faith in her lost all of it. She gets yelled at because all she does is mess up. She causes problems and can't do a single thing correctly. She thinks life is just some game and she gets to pick who and what she wants to be. She's just a stupid child who can't do the right thing. She's a disappointment to her parents and her family. She's a disappointment to anyone who knows her. All her life is a lie. All her days filled with regret. If she didn't exist, life wouldn't be altered too much.
She's broken down inside and she's a troubled little girl. She's bottled everything up because she's never met anyone who cared enough to brake past it all. She's terrified of the unknown and embraces the known. She runs to what she knows and runs from what she doesn't. She'll never let anyone close enough to know how she truly feels. She'll never let anyone in to see the scars she has. She'll never let anyone in to see the broken girl she truly is. She fears someone coming into her life. She fears the day they walk away. It was a sad day the day she lost HIM. She promised herself she'd never make that mistake again, and to this day, she hasn't.
As the troubled little girl, she hides. She hides from feelings, emotions, pain, suffering, and sadness. She refuses anyone who tries for her. She puts down any fight anyone puts up for her. She won't ever cross the line again. She's smart about hiding. She puts the pain in places no one will ever know or see. She's a little girl deep down, but you'd never know it from the front she puts up. She was forced to grow up the day she realized she lost it all. And that all, was her faith. She lost her faith in people. She realized no one was who they said they were and everybody was full of it. She realized at the end of the day, the only thing anyone cared about, was themselves. She lost her everything that day. And that little girl.. She's been gone ever since.
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