Every single day.

I miss you. There I said it, I miss you like crazy. I miss you all the time, no matter what I'm doing or who I'm with. I think about you in everything I do, whether I'm out and about or just sitting in my room. I can't take your necklace off or remove the pictures because then this all becomes real for me and I don't think I can do that yet. I'm not over you but I'm doing a good job convincing everyone else that I am. I wanted you to think I'd moved on so that you could. You always deserved someone better than me. I knew it and so did you. You deserve everything in this world and in this life, and I couldn't provide you with that. I miss your smile because its the only thing that can get me out of a bad mood. I miss your laugh because it fills my heart with happiness. I chose to make mistakes this time for the both of us. I knew you should never be with me again, so I did what I had to do to make sure that you never got back together with me. I knew what I had to do because you told me from the start. I don't care how it makes me look and I'm going to have to learn to not care how it makes you think of me because I am so tired of making you miserable and unhappy. My heart hurts every night when I try to go to sleep because I know I'm only lying to myself. I know I'm not over you and I don't know why but I keep feeling like I'm not supposed to be. I wish I could talk to you because you're the only person who ever understood me completely and fully. I'm sorry that I had to hurt you. I didn't want to but I knew I had to. You're my whole heart and I think I know deep down you always will be. I think I also know deep down this wasn't how it was supposed to end. I think God has a plan for me and I think it still involves you. I think that every night God puts you in my dreams for a reason and I don't think it's coincidental that I fall asleep crying over you every single night. I don't think I'll ever fully move on because I don't think I really want to. I don't want to be with anyone else and I don't care about anyone else the same way I cared about you. I don't ever want to feel that way about anyone else. I swore my heart to you and I know for a fact it's still yours no matter how many times I lie and say its not. I'm good at pretending everything is okay during the day but at night I fall apart. When no one is around and no one can see me, I fall apart with my whole entire world caving in. I look through our pictures every night before I fall asleep and I cry until I'm tired because I can't sleep if I don't. I want to hold you one last time, I want to tell how in love with you I am one last time. But I know these things won't happen. I know I have to push forward everyday for the rest of time because I know you deserve better and I love you that much. I love you more than anything in this world and I'd give up anything just for it to work between us. I'd literally give my whole life for one last chance to work. You're the one thing in my life I know. You chose to take my heart and I don't think I'll ever get it back. No matter how much time passes, it'll always be you. Yes, always you.

Growing with time.

When you've finally had enough, growing begins to hit your heart. You feel like there's not a chance you could stoop any lower. You have good days, then you have bad days. When the bad days come, they hit hard as hell. You don't have much of an option but to endure the pain and work through it all. The memories, the love, and even words will tear you open. Nothing can stop everything from flooding in at once as it begins. You find yourself fighting all of the pain and trying to run from it instead of working through it. Once you can truly decide to work through it, the tears will flow just as much, but it gets easier to let them fall. After you get tired of crying, you'll feel a bit of strength inside of you. You'll feel less obligated to want to reach out to someone. Take that strength with stride and grow through it. Wake up every day telling yourself that the day is going to go right and that nothing can tear you down this time. Pick your head up, smile, and don't let anyone get in your way of being happy. Push out the ideas of thinking you aren't good enough and pull in the people who make you see clearly. Everyone deserves happiness, even when it seems utterly impossible for that to be true. Life is never simple. It takes sharp turns and knocks you down most of the time. But, the strongest people are the ones who get put through the most and still find a reason to get up every morning fighting. It's wrong to give up on yourself because one day you'll look back and be thankful that you kept going. Someone out there will be thankful that you never gave up on yourself and you'll be thanking God for the second chance. I know that right now everything I'm saying feels completely impossible but I also know that I've got to pick myself up off the ground, wipe away the tears, and put the past where it belongs. If someone leaves you, leave them. A heart is not meant to be walked all over, but to be cherished and flourished with love. If you aren't receiving that or feel as if you aren't good enough, you've given your heart to the wrong person. Don't make that mistake more than once. Each person you trust with your heart is a risk. You must decide which people are worth the risk and if you decide they are, love like hell and never look back. Second chances are always risks and should never be regretted. Grow with the days that continue on and continue being the amazing person you are. Don't forget how much you grow, and don't forget what this teaches you.