Emotions are the faults we hide from. I’ve been running, trying to be strong, and trying to grow independent. It was my choice to prove to you how much I didn’t need you. It was my choice to leave you out of my life. It was my choice to say good-bye. It was my choice to close and end things for good. But it wasn’t the choice I wanted. I tested myself. I tested myself to make sure I didn’t cry. I tested myself to make sure I wouldn’t miss you. I tested myself to make sure I wouldn’t need you. I tested my limits. I tested everything in my power. I tested my strengths and weaknesses.
You are my weakness. You are everything weak inside of me. You know how to break me down. You know how to melt my heart. I put up walls when you left me the first time and I promised myself I wouldn’t let those walls down. I promised myself and God I would never fall again. I promised myself I’d be stronger for myself and for the people around me. Everyone has that someone who can tear down everything and see them bare. I feel naked when you look me in the eye. It’s as if everything I was hiding, busts out. It’s inevitable. I can’t stop it and you’re the only one who can do that to me. I don’t know how to make the emotions stop from swelling and bursting. I can’t make the pain go away.
You bring pain into my life. You bring heartbreak into my life and most importantly, you bring loneliness back into my life. You make me feel as if I’ll never be loved and that no one will ever care about me. Once I let the walls down, it’s so hard to build them back up. I become vulnerable. And I have you to thank for that. I become this little girl who needs someone to hold her. I can’t breathe and I can’t feel my heart.
But when you’re around, all I feel is happiness. I need you by my side. I need you as a comfort. I need you as a shield hiding from the world. You protect my heart. When you are around, I feel the loneliness begin to separate from my heart. I feel the light return into my life and all I feel is joy. Seeing your face, lights up my world. Seeing you smile makes my heart jump. Seeing you cry, makes me hurt. Hearing your voice is something I could never get sick of. Seeing you in love breaks my heart. But, seeing you happy, makes me happy. As you walk up to me, my knees buckle. As you leave me, my knees buckle again just for a different reason.
Watching you walk away is one of the many challenges I face when you leave. I could sit at home and cry and miss you, but I know that isn’t what you want. You want me to go out and be happy. You want me to live my life as if you were never in my life and had never caused any harm. You don’t want the pain in my life and you want the best for me. I know you better than the back of my hand and I believe you when you tell me that. I know you look out for my heart when nobody else is. I know you love me in a different way. I know the way you feel about me is uncontrollable and I know you living far away from me isn’t your choice. You know how to make my heart smile even though you don’t do anything. You know how to light up a room. Your presence just makes every around feel happy. If you understood the way I needed you, you’d realize that it’s not a want. It’s not a need. It’s just something my heart yearns for. If I could see you every day, I promise you’d realize the way I feel. I can say I love you because there isn’t another way to express it. We don’t have words in the human dictionary to describe the way I feel. There isn’t a way to put into words all the emotions that come aroused when you come around. I’ve thought of everything, everything.
I’ve thought of every way to be with you sand every way to love you in the way you’ll let me. I know the way you feel could never possibly be the way I do and I know, one day I’ll be okay. I know that you’ll always be my Prince Charming and its fine with me. I’m just fine with that. I don’t need someone to hold me anymore. I’ve grown up from that and I don’t need you in my life. My heart needs you though. My heart reaches for the stars because of you. You make me feel lighter. And I can’t express anything to you. It’s impossible to give you the satisfaction you want. But I would try.
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