Every little thing.

My box used to be so pretty. It used to shine like the sun. Over time, that changed. I made changes in my life to fit in or to because I thought it would make me feel better. I chose paths I knew weren’t right. I began following someone other than God. My pretty little box started to rip and it lost its shine. It had hand prints everywhere and it had tears on every edge. I wasn’t ready to give it all up yet. I didn’t know the tears were only getting bigger as time went on. I didn’t realize how far I’d gone until it finally happened. My pretty little box was gone in the blink of an eye. I couldn’t take it back, the mistake. My once ripped little box was gone. It was in a stranger’s hands. It wasn’t with someone I loved or thought I loved, it was with a stranger. My little heart really couldn’t take much more after that. I’d had another chance at forgiveness until you decided to use me, without my permission. You knew exactly what you were doing, and you just didn’t care. I lost my most prized possession the day I gave away my box. That box had meant the world to me, up until that day. I didn’t realize how big of an effect it would have on me. I didn’t want anyone to know it bothered me wither because I freely chose what I did. I gave that box away with my own two hands. I let it all go without second guessing myself. I had dug myself so deep into a dark place. It felt like it was the only way out. Did it make me feel any better? No. Did it make me feel worse? Yes. I’d never been more ashamed going to school when everyone knew. It felt like I was walking around naked. Everyone knew about it all and there wasn’t anything I could do to hide it.

My faith began to die that day. My faith used to be hard as stone. I would never question it. I would never second guess anything. My foundation began getting shaky as time went on. My heart feels pain like it never has before. I still love you God. I’ll never give up on you because you’ve never given up on me. You never let me down. You’ve stood beside my side and made sure I always knew you were there, ever since I can remember. You’ve been there. I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry for the times I’ve disappointed you. I’m sorry for the choices I made that I knew were wrong. I took your forgiveness for granted. I took your love for granted. I let go of my relationship with you. I put wrong before right. I did what I thought was right in the moment. I didn’t think of the aftermath. I forgot about the attachment. I tried pushing myself to see if I could overcome my weakness.

Our minds go through a million emotions a day; pain, joy, sadness, jealousy, love, anger, hate, or confusion. These are only a few. Our bodies go through a variety of changes. Some of us are moody and others are not. Some of us show emotion very well, while others hide from it all. Embracing your emotions can be extremely hard for some people. Opening up to someone or trusting someone is quite difficult. Trusting the person who hurt you is also a very difficult task. Forgiving the person who hurts you the most though, shows true strength. Losing someone you care about is also painful, whether its death or they choose to walk out of your life. The experiences we go through everyday are quite complicated.

Now, you’re here. You’re someone to me. You make me happy and honestly, I feel safe. I love being in your arms. I love seeing your smile. I love the way you make me feel, as if being me is finally good enough. Every time two people care about each other, pain is coming. Everyone experiences their fights, the tears, the smiles, the kindness, and the care. Every time you get that funny feeling in your stomach, it’s real. Being with someone again can be difficult but we all get through it. After being down for so long, it’s hard to get back up. That’s when you came into my life. You’ve flooded my heart with kindness. It’s almost too good to be true. The way your skin feels against mine. The way your touch sends chills through my entire body. The way your smile can warm my heart. The way I get butterflies every time I get a text or e-mail from you. The way your eyes make everything better. The way you want to be different in my life. The way I want to make you happy is by far the scariest thing. I don’t want to mess up. I don’t want you to leave. I could be in your arms forever. I use to be afraid of getting hurt again but I don’t feel that way this time. It means something to me this time. It warms my heart and tickles my stomach. The way you kiss me can brighten my day and I love the way my body fits into yours. It always feels right. The ways your smile can make me smile. It’s almost unreal. The way you feel when you’re happy or when I know I’m doing something right. I also love how you can always tell when something is wrong and you just want to fix it. The way you open your heart to me and I really just want to protect you from getting hurt.

Finding that one person who makes you weak in the knees or makes it hard for you to breathe, that’s a person worth not letting go. If you’re one who struggles with running away, that’s okay. You’re not alone. Never letting someone in close enough to your heart, it’s exactly what we all face. Keeping your heart hidden from everyone, it’s just guarding yourself from the pain. It’s the pain in your stomach or the pain in your heart. It’s the lump in your throat and the tears welling up. It’s the fears in your head or the songs in your mind. The things you can remember make it so much tougher to get by; so much harder to give up. The fights we endure for the people we care about or the pain we endure to be a part of them is just part of falling for someone. Pushing your way through the doubts clouding your thoughts or the fears clouding your vision is just a test of your strength.

Being close to someone can scare the life out of most people. Can you do it? Can you embrace your fear, let down the walls, and let someone in? If you can, congratulations. Most people really can’t and that’s okay. We let someone in and before getting to close, you push them away a little more. They gain a step forward and you push them two steps back. You’re afraid to love again. You’re afraid to believe in happiness again. You don’t want the pain again. You keep telling yourself that pain is coming again. There’s a voice in your head pushing your self-esteem down. The voice tells you that you aren’t good enough and to give up already. It sits in your head long enough to take over your mind. It tells you that you don’t deserve happiness. But you do! You start convincing yourself that maybe you do. You get caught in the middle of being worth it and not worth it. You can’t form a right decision. That’s when you give up and almost lose hope. But, we are all worth it. People need to realize this. We can’t lose sight of the great in our lives. Everyone has a spark inside their soul and it’s just looking for a certain someone to make that spark shine so bright. EMBRACE IT.