I can go on with my life. I can move on. I can change. I can walk past everyone with a smile on my face. I can hide the pain I feel inside. I can find someone new. I can find the smile inside. I can find my independent-self again. I can grow up. I can learn a lesson. I can get over you. I can put this past me. I can find my happiness. I can find the girl I used to be.
But I won’t. I won’t go on without you. I don’t want to move on from you. I don’t want to change. I don’t want to walk around smiling when I’m not happy. I don’t want to hide the pain I feel inside because I want you to know what I’m feeling. I don’t want someone new, I only want you. I don’t want to find that smile inside unless it’s you giving it to me. I don’t want to be independent without you being by my side. I don’t want to grow up unless you’re holding my hand helping me along the way. I don’t want to learn a lesson unless you’re in my life teaching them all to me. I don’t want to get over you because I’m still crazy about you. I don’t want to put this past me because I’m not ready for it to be over. I don’t want to find my happiness because my happiness is you. I don’t want to find the girl I used to be because the girl I was didn’t have you.
You see, I’m fully capable of getting over you & moving on. I know deep down that I really could. But, I feel there is a reason why I haven’t let go just yet. Like, somehow I know something is going to go right. I feel safe with you. I always want to cry when I’m with you because I know that our time together is limited & it doesn’t mean anything to you. I’m happy when we fight because I know that you’re feeling something. I love when you apologize because it shows me that you really do care. I wish I could say something to you so that would show me how you feel. But honestly, I care about you more than anyone in this world & that’s something I’m willing to even bet on. No one cares about you nor will care about you as much I do. You’re all I think about, you’re everything I dream of. You’ve become my heart. Every time you walk away, it breaks my heart a little bit more. Every time you say let’s just be friends, I fall a little deeper. Every time you tell me someone out there is better than you, I want to scream at you. If there was someone better, I would have found him by now. God has a plan for everyone. I know that his Plan for me, includes you. I’m praying every night that one day you’ll wake up & realize how much I truly care about you & that it’s harder for me to walk away from you every day.
I’d given my whole world to be with you. I still would. I would give my everything for you. You know I’d drop everything if you needed something. You know I’d stop anything I was doing just to listen to everything you said. You know I could stare into your eyes, & just be happy like that. That’s not what you want & I know this. I’m just hoping that one day that will be what you want. I don’t want someone else. You’re the only person I want, the only person I need.
It's the feeling of brokenness, it's the feeling of desperation, it's the feeling of depression that finally sets in. Misery becomes something that sleeps in your bed with you every night. Pain becomes a word you frequently use, & happiness barely ever crosses your mind. Feelings & Emotions slowly begin to disappear. Everything starts to float out of your life & you're left with nothing. Nothing becomes a lifeline that you live by. You learn to not care about anything anymore. You learn to give up on everything before you even start it. You learn to let go of anyone who ever meant anything to you. You begin to slowly disappear. You finally hit rock-bottom & you're at a point where you don't exist to anyone. You've become nothing. When people look at you, you're invisible. Life becomes pointless. Everything seems to become pointless. You lost the one person/thing that meant everything to you. You're left with nothing. Life gets so complicated. The rocks that you're supposed to just stumble upon, become boulders. The tears you used to cry turn into rivers & streams of water. You don't want to eat anymore, you really don't want to exist anymore. It tears your apart. You don't have the walls you built at one time. You don't have anything anymore. You've completely fallen. You're completely broken. Everything becomes numb. You want to cry but as the tears come, you force them back in. You're tired of all the pain & suffering, that you just don't deserve. You're heart is broken yet you can't control it. You choke up in front of other people, you just can't speak. The words get bundled inside.
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