Growing with time.

When you've finally had enough, growing begins to hit your heart. You feel like there's not a chance you could stoop any lower. You have good days, then you have bad days. When the bad days come, they hit hard as hell. You don't have much of an option but to endure the pain and work through it all. The memories, the love, and even words will tear you open. Nothing can stop everything from flooding in at once as it begins. You find yourself fighting all of the pain and trying to run from it instead of working through it. Once you can truly decide to work through it, the tears will flow just as much, but it gets easier to let them fall. After you get tired of crying, you'll feel a bit of strength inside of you. You'll feel less obligated to want to reach out to someone. Take that strength with stride and grow through it. Wake up every day telling yourself that the day is going to go right and that nothing can tear you down this time. Pick your head up, smile, and don't let anyone get in your way of being happy. Push out the ideas of thinking you aren't good enough and pull in the people who make you see clearly. Everyone deserves happiness, even when it seems utterly impossible for that to be true. Life is never simple. It takes sharp turns and knocks you down most of the time. But, the strongest people are the ones who get put through the most and still find a reason to get up every morning fighting. It's wrong to give up on yourself because one day you'll look back and be thankful that you kept going. Someone out there will be thankful that you never gave up on yourself and you'll be thanking God for the second chance. I know that right now everything I'm saying feels completely impossible but I also know that I've got to pick myself up off the ground, wipe away the tears, and put the past where it belongs. If someone leaves you, leave them. A heart is not meant to be walked all over, but to be cherished and flourished with love. If you aren't receiving that or feel as if you aren't good enough, you've given your heart to the wrong person. Don't make that mistake more than once. Each person you trust with your heart is a risk. You must decide which people are worth the risk and if you decide they are, love like hell and never look back. Second chances are always risks and should never be regretted. Grow with the days that continue on and continue being the amazing person you are. Don't forget how much you grow, and don't forget what this teaches you.

Everything is always okay.

My whole shell was on tight. The shell was used for protection and not a person in this whole wide world would see past that shell. That was the plan at least. But in life, plans don't always go accordingly. The boy came from nowhere. He was out of the blue and picked away every part of the shell until there was nothing left to it. The pores surrounded the boy and the girl, all the little pieces shattered on the ground. He wanted to throw it away for good and put it in the past but she was skeptical. She wasn't sure about it just yet. She had women's intuition and it's a good thing she did. When he left, she was alone. The shell was in pieces, she was by herself, and she was afraid. She wondered day after day how she would ever get by without him. She walked aimlessly around with no feelings, just numbness. It began to take over her body. She began to be comfortable in this feeling. Her heart was safe again, hidden under the numbness and pain she felt inside. The new shell she wore was the one of vulnerability. She didn't know how to put the past in the past where it belonged. As all the pieces of the past began to fade away day by day, the days got easier and the pain lessened. By removing the pictures, the letters, and all the shiny things, she felt her burden ease up on her and felt the past where it should be. She began to realize she had taken a step she truly believed she would never be able to do. The impossible had been possible for her and this reality hit like a freight train. Although she could still feel the vulnerability around her, she pressed on with her life and continued moving forward with her progress. She knew better this time around than to be the broken girl who gets used. By being used, this meant she was weak. She was stronger this time and she knew that deep down. This was when the reality of her situation began to take a toll on her. The boy was a dependent person. He never showed that to anyone but her. She knew all along she wanted him around, but it never hit her that she truly didn't "need" him the way he needed her. And this is why he left. The idea of him needing the girl was so frightening because he had been afraid to be left. So instead, he took his fear and placed it into her life. This boy made the girl so afraid that she would never trust again. But as the little girl began to move on with the ghosts of her past, she realized she would still be okay. Everyday she is reminded of the boy but she's learned to look past it and find beauty in the past and the way it all had to happen. She is not sad about it anymore, but rather she smiles at the memories and hides the sadness away in her heart. She found that being alone and without him was actually okay with her. And this fact alone, proved she was stronger than she ever believed possible.

Love is here.

No road is ever perfect but it's for the flaws and mistakes that we fall more and more for someone. The smile someone can put on your face is enough. The moments someone can take your breath away are the moments where we thank God we're alive. And last, the moments where you feel like you never want to leave that moment, those are the moments worth living for. These are all apart of falling in love. We don't fall in love with perfect people. We fall in love with imperfect people who are perfect for us. I believe that when you truly love someone, the whole world stops spinning when you aren't together. I believe that being in love is the greatest feeling and not worth giving up for anything. Love is an emotion that has no adjectives or nouns to even come close to being able to describe it. Love begins in your heart and spreads throughout your body. It can consume your life. A life without love is a life not lived. Love can make people do some pretty stupid things. Love can also drive some people crazy. The best love is being in love with your best friend. The moments where you get to be silly and just laugh at each other are the moments that all make it feel real. Being able to share trust in each other is definitely a virtue to cherish. Another virtue to cherish is patience. As hearts heal and wounds begin to open back up, as the other part of the love, you have to be patient and wait for the right time to come. If you try to jump back in so quickly, the wounds and scars can only get bigger. Another virtue needed is faith. Having faith in what God can bring to you is truly a magnificent thing to have in the relationship. With God helping to push the two of you forward, it feels like your heart is floating on air. Love is truly a beautiful creation. It's like a flower. It starts off small and closed. You have to properly feed and nurture the flower before it can open up to let everyone see it's beauty. After its open, it's vulnerable to all the surroundings. As long as you care for the flower, it will stay beautiful. We must do the same with love. It must be filled with care, compassion, and all the virtues necessary. Love is an emotion with no meaning but the greatest feelings.

Late night thoughts.

As I lay down, all the thoughts start to rush through my head. Why did I do that? Why woul I let myself do something so stupid? Why did I mess it all up? The answers never seem to pop up. Until I read something in a bathroom the other day. It was a quote I knew so familiarly when I was a child. The quote said life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. Life is about dancing in the rain. I began to try to put this quote into position in my life. Truth is, my life feels like a huge storm is hanging over my head and there isn't a way to get away from it. I see the light and I cling to it for dear life, but in the end, I lose grip. So I fall right back under the storm. So as I started to think about this quote, I thought of how to apply it. What I should do in order to make it apply in my life and to the current situations I find myself put into. I may be underneath a storm, but when that little light comes through instead of clinging to it, I need to hold it and cherish it for the little time I'm aloud to have. Instead of worrying about when I'll lose it, I need to think positively about the time I have with the light before the darkness comes back around. The harder I cling to the light, the more the storm wants to fight it and win it over. This applies in almost every situation. The storm will always exist in your life. It will never go away. But once you find your light, don't let it go. Make sure that you treat the light with care because you want the light to break up your darkness more often that the time you're surrounded by the darkness. Light conquers darkness everytime will always be the truth.

It sets back in.

The feeling so close to you sets back in. The feeling you know oh so well. It's best friends consist of crying, puking, and sleeping. You don't get out of bed. You don't stop crying. You can't smile. You feel yourself stop wanting to do anything. You feel as if everything around you is dead. That setting is depression. You fit in so well, it's as if you were born there. The people recognize you because you've visited before. You just can't shake the feeling out of you. You become scared of him. He is the one who controls you. He is the one you love and you broke him. You broke him, so he broke you. You saw it all crumbling around you and so did he. But you both couldn't give up. It's that L word that you were both afraid of. You squeeze yourself to feel something but everything is numb. Only his touch releases a bit of the pain and numbness inside. And when he leaves, all of it comes back. You knew better but the feeling of love told you that you couldn't resist. You couldn't resist this one. He was THE one. Yet you still played it safe. And after you let it all out there, you tried to run and hide. Only his grip was so tight, that you fell even deeper into him. You fell so deep that you knew you'd stay there forever. Until you without any insight of it happening, broke him. Now he visits with you. 

Courage and time.

I know that in life things are tough. Some are easy, some are difficult, and some are in between as to we barely pay attention to. But as life begins to progress, we as people begin to find our place in this crazy cycle we call life. We find out who was meant to stay and we find out who was meant to just stop for a visit and move on with their life. Every person has a story and every story has a beginning, middle, and end. Not everyone is fortunate to have a person to fill almost every part in those slots. Few find their soulmates at such a young age. Few find their soulmate at an older age. Every heart ranges, and every beat is different. When you find the heart that is like yours in many ways, dig deeper. When you find that the beat is so close to yours, they could almost be identical, take hold and never let go.  

I've learned that giving up isn't the hardest part but the easy part. Anyone who choses to give up, they don't win or gain anything. The one who pursues on whether it's tough, or easy, is the winner. As life moves forward, throwing the many different opportunities our way, we are forced to chose one or the other. Sometimes one out of many. Whether the decision is friendship or relationship or job or school. Life hands us many different decisions and we're forced as people to decide for ourselves. Although one decision may be tougher than another, it's never going to be something you or I cannot handle. The life we live may be rough at times, but never something we could not handle. 

I've never been the type to give up. I keep everything, I hold on to everything, and I keep a firm grip on those I love. I hold fast to memories and I keep my eyes set on the path in front of me. Well at least I used to. But then you happened. You showed me this world that had a brighter future, happier memories, and a greater present. I've never began to consider a life without you because for me, there isn't a life without you. Whenever I get scared of losing someone, my guard pops up and I begin shutting all doors. But this time, I don't want to do that. I want to knock down all walls and open all doors. I want your hands to reach inside of me and pull every emotion from my core. I want to be able to feel the grip you have on my heart and my all around being. I want to know that the grip you have is do tight, it would never fail. I believe in you, I believe in your future, not only alone, but also your future with me. I have always given my all to the ones I loved and that's what I'll continue to do until the day I'm asked not to anymore. You are the love of my life. The person I want to have and to hold from this day forward. In sickness and health. For richer for poorer. I promise to give my love my heart and my everything to you forever. You are the love of my life.

Emptiness.

Why is that when she has the whole world in the palm of her hand, she feels empty? Why is it that when she has everyone around her, she feels the most alone she's ever felt? Why is it that when she feels that everything is falling apart, in reality, it's all together? Why is it that when she finally does the right thing, it feels so wrong? Why is it that when she loses herself, everyone feels as if they finally see the real her? Why is it that she can't find happiness, but she looks the happiest she's been in a while? Why does she give up everything for someone, when they wouldn't give up anything for her? Why does she hide everything, but feels exposed to everything? Why does she hide from everything, but gets hurt more in the long run? Why does she know all that's wrong, but in her head it all fits together right? Why does she cry when she's alone, but wears that smile that fools numerous people? Why can't the girl just give up and move on with life? 

The answer never seems to fit. 

It's as if the emptiness begins to consume everything. She can't find anything to hold on to. It's all floating away. It's like a hole has been built inside her chest. She's tried filling it with sex, drugs, and alcohol. She's lost in a world full of passion and she can't find what she wants. She tried to find that love everyone raves about having. She tried to have fun and pretend like nothing was bothering her. But at the end of the day, the emptiness begins eating her alive. Her eyes are so cloudy because she's afraid to cry. She feels as if she begins to cry, she'll never stop. She has no heart anymore. Her body feels numb, cold as stone. If anyone looked inside her, you couldn't recognize her. She's just a body, her soul consumed with unrecognizable things. 

She begins searching for answers but she can't find any. She's disappearing inside herself. She's lost herself in a world she can't even identify. Every step she takes, feels like a mistake. She can't do anything right and she feels like she's done. She just wants to be done with everything. She's looking for an answer and no one can give her the right one. She's searching for someone. She's searching for that one person with all the answers but that person doesn't exist anymore. She doesn't exist anymore. She's dead to herself and everyone else. She's practically invisible.

She's disappointed and anyone whoever had faith in her lost all of it. She gets yelled at because all she does is mess up. She causes problems and can't do a single thing correctly. She thinks life is just some game and she gets to pick who and what she wants to be. She's just a stupid child who can't do the right thing. She's a disappointment to her parents and her family. She's a disappointment to anyone who knows her. All her life is a lie. All her days filled with regret. If she didn't exist, life wouldn't be altered too much. 

She's broken down inside and she's a troubled little girl. She's bottled everything up because she's never met anyone who cared enough to brake past it all.  She's terrified of the unknown and embraces the known. She runs to what she knows and runs from what she doesn't. She'll never let anyone close enough to know how she truly feels. She'll never let anyone in to see the scars she has. She'll never let anyone in to see the broken girl she truly is. She fears someone coming into her life. She fears the day they walk away. It was a sad day the day she lost HIM. She promised herself she'd never make that mistake again, and to this day, she hasn't. 

As the troubled little girl, she hides. She hides from feelings, emotions, pain, suffering, and sadness. She refuses anyone who tries for her. She puts down any fight anyone puts up for her. She won't ever cross the line again. She's smart about hiding. She puts the pain in places no one will ever know or see. She's a little girl deep down, but you'd never know it from the front she puts up. She was forced to grow up the day she realized she lost it all. And that all, was her faith. She lost her faith in people. She realized no one was who they said they were and everybody was full of it. She realized at the end of the day, the only thing anyone cared about, was themselves. She lost her everything that day. And that little girl.. She's been gone ever since. 

Scribble Scratch.

As a part of growing up, we go through many different challenges and struggles. Life throws situations at us that seem completely impossible to overcome. Sometimes these are with other people and some of the struggles and complications exist within ourselves. The struggles within ourselves are the worst because you don't want the help of anyone else. You battle with yourself against whether you should care or not, whether it means something or whether you're just being stupid.

Instead of following our hearts, we tend to follow our heads. As girls, we believe we know everything. We also believe that every guy is out there to hurt us. Occasionally, this fact isn't true. It's about 99.9% true and then there is that .1% that pops out of no where and shows you just how different one person can be from everyone else. It's almost like a slap in the face because you believed you knew it all and then this new idea of someone being different blows your mind. You can't wrap your head around it. It distracts you from everything and you begin to over analyze it all.

Thinking of where to start with the thoughts flooding inside of my head is the hardest place to start. But let's begin with the feeling of having lost myself this year. I began putting all my trust into one person and I felt completely vulnerable to every flourishing emotion in my body. I didn't know who to trust and I didn't know who was really influencing me in my life. I began to push everyone out and I began to just think of my emotions over and over again. Nobody wants be alone, right? That's what I always thought. But why's this such a bad thing? You learn who you are, what you want, and what you need. As you become independent, you also begin to trust yourself and the choices you choose to make. There's a few of us who think we're never alone but if you honestly think about it, we're all alone. At the end of the day, everyone thinks about themselves. You could spend all day dwelling on someone else but before the day ends, you will dwell on you and all the problems you supposedly have.

I feel numb. I'm searching inside myself for the feelings I used to get so easily. I used to feel my heart rush and my breath almost get lost somewhere in my throat. It's not really there anymore. I can't find any tears to cry because I'm stronger this time. I'm not falling for anything anymore. I needed you to prove to me that people do care. I needed you to show me that people are liars. I needed you to show me just how bad life can suck sometimes. But most importantly, I needed you to show me that it was okay to care again. I know it's okay now. I see that. I found the strength to push away from you and I found it inside myself to let go.

As we're apart every day, I do hurt. I do feel that. I feel the loneliness begin to come back but this time it's not as bad as before. As the time passes by, I get by a little better. It wasn't your fault, I gave up a long time ago. I watched the sparkle in your eye die out and I watched the blush in my cheeks begin to fade. I watched the smiles turn into tears and I watched the emotions turn into fights. I began to get scared to get hurt again and I shut you out. I passed the turn on falling harder. I pushed you out and I didn't think twice about it. I didn't want to tell you for you in case of trying to persuade me to think about it again. It was what I wanted and I chose it without you. I had to. I didn't have a choice. I didn't want to be without you but I had to be strong. I gave myself an ultimatum and you didn't get the vote.

"Love isn't as scary as everyone says. I found love once and I'm not afraid of it anymore. It's a feeling of happiness and when it's shared, it's pure. But, when it's a one way street, it's just not worth it."

I'll miss you, really I will. I'll miss your texts every morning, I'll miss the smile with heart in it, I'll miss having your heart, I'll miss your hugs and the way I fit in your arms. I'll miss the way I cried in your chest because the feeling of losing you was to much for me to bear. I'll miss the way you pour your heart out to me. I'll miss your touch, I'll miss our phone calls and the way I get butterflies every time you say my name. I'm gonna miss just about everything about you and that's okay with me. I wanted you to fight for me, you know the way you used to beg for me to let you to do. But hey, we're not the same people we used to be now are you? We're two completely different people wanting to completely different things and it's about time we realize this.

All of it hits at once.

I wanna begin with I really care. But I miss you... Kind of alot. I got used to seeing you, kissing you, and all of the sudden it just stopped. I guess it makes me upset because I feel like you don't want me anymore. I don't feel like I matter anymore.

When my feelings don't matter anymore, I begin to deal with it alone. I push everyone out my life. It's a constant habit I posses. I get confused and I get lost. I get scared and I just let everything sit in my head. I don't like talking to people about how I feel because it's either pathetic or they just don't care. And that's understandable, because at the end of the day, everyone thinks about their own problems.

Well when I lay down to sleep and we're fighting, it really is hard for me to sleep. I toss and turn all night. I worry about what you're thinking and all that good stuff. It's not fair that you can be in my head constantly and I'm never in yours. It's not fair that I hurt because I never get to see you, kiss you, or touch you anymore. It's not fair that you get to chose whether I have a good or a bad day. Its not fair that when we fight, I upset myself and everyone who tries to talk to me. I guess alot isn't fair, huh.

I hate feeling like I mean nothing. I hate feeling like every scar I hid, is coming back to life. I feel like you took my heart. I feel like you're gonna take advantage of how much I care about you, because I do. I care so much.

I'm an emotional person, I know this. But I don't cry over just anyone. I really have to care. And I mean, I know I tell myself all the time I don't just to convince myself into not getting attached. I don't want to give it all up while I don't even know how it's supposed to be..

Confusion is something I find every girl posses. We all think into things just to find every scenario that could possibly exist. We can't control the way our minds think, especially those who have been hurt before. After dealing with the pain, it's extremely difficult opening up to someone new and not thinking into everything.

But it's like someone once told me, the smiles and kisses that we do have, are the reason to stick around. The fights and time spent apart is only a bump in the road. No road is ever perfect but it's for the flaws and mistakes that we fall more and more for someone. The smile someone can put on your face is enough. The moments someone can take your breath away are the moments where we thank God we're alive. And last, the moments where you feel like you never want to leave that moment, those are the moments worth living for.

You don't even know.

I'm faced with "what ifs" all the time. I want to feel good enough for you. I want to be more than enough, and that you don't need another person. I want you to want me for my heart. I want you to want every flaw and every imperfection I posses. 

I need you to see me and see what I see. I need you to make me feel like when I give you my heart, it's safe. I don't know.. I want you to kiss me like you don't want anyone else. I want you to look at me with those eyes of yours that I love and tell me I'm exactly what you want.. 

I'm gonna lose myself in you. I'm letting go of all my fears as you tear down the walls around my heart. I already feel myself falling more and more.  I mean yeah, I like the feeling. I absolutely love feeling like someone will catch me when I fall this time but I'm also scared. If you aren't gonna hurt me, then the feeling is okay to me.

It's as if you're in my head reading every thought as I form it. You know exactly what to say, when to say it, and just how to make me feel better. It's so different. I want to be different from every other girl for you. I guess I just want to be someone to you. 

I question my heart and my motives daily. I'm pretty sure I want something out of this but sometimes I have doubts. Am I strong enough to not push him away? Can I keep your heart long enough before you walk away? These are just a few. 

It's when you dig into my heart for answers to my past that really get to me. I mean I tell you but when we fight, that really tears me up inside. You learn more and more about me, and I know things about my past aren't the best, but I still need to know it's okay. 

I really don't have any intention of leaving you. I see you leaving me all the time. I see it and I feel it. I see your feelings disappear with each day passing by. I don't see your face light up when you see me anymore. I don't see that smile with heart in it that you promised was there..

You just can't even see what you do to my heart. You could tear, rip, or throw it away and you don't even see that. The way my heart is filled by you every day. The way you fill my face with a smile and just a smile from you can make my day. You can't even see it. You wonder if I care or you question how I feel. There is no question or no doubt in my mind of the way I feel.

One day you'll see that.

Dear Dylan.

I'm not sure when you'll come over this. I'm really not sure. But I have a few things I'd like to make sure you know. First of all, you are far from on your own with this. I've been where you are. I've been in your exact situation, the difference was though, I didn't tell anybody. The way you can tell me about it, makes you stronger than me in that situation. I dealt with everything on my own. And that wasn't right of me. It wasn't fair to the people I surrounded myself with. I was never in a good mood & I began shutting everyone who cared out of my life. I lost sight of everything that mattered. I became intensely depressed and I kept all of this inside my head. The only place I ever told anything to was this blog right here. I wrote everything down.

I want you to know that people do care about you. If you decided to take action and do something about your depression, you'd be hurting many people. And while in your head it doesn't seem that way, you would. In your head honestly, you're probably thinking, "Good, it'll hurt her. Maybe she'll care if I'm not here.. Maybe she'll miss me. I just want to hurt her the way she hurt me." Trust me dude, I've so been there. But one day, I realized how much hurt and pain I would cause those around me.

Your life is precious. You only have one life to live and while no one can tell you how to live your life, others can help steer you on the right track. The way you're thinking right now isn't clearly. Like I said, I've been there. I've been exactly where you are.

Let me guess, you feel as if no one cares about you because the one person you love more than anything, just doesn't love you back. Yeah, I've been there too. But I'm here to tell you, it gets better. As cliche as that sounds, it's so true. As time goes on, your heart will heal and you will grow from that. You'll realize that you're always going to care about that person but it's time to stop letting them control your life. I want you to see that I got through this and if I can do it, so can you. I let someone control and mess with my feelings for almost a year. It was uncontrollable. I couldn't do anything about it. But you know what, I saw the light in someone else. I found happiness in other things besides this person.

I don't know if this helps any, but I really hope it does. I'd hate to see you make the biggest mistake of your life because you feel like no one cares. People care Dylan, and they always have. That girl cares about you, but you've gotta live off more than that. You've just got to.

Untitled.

Pain:
" I don't forgive people because I'm weak. I forgive them because I am strong enough to know people make mistakes."

It's a sense of hurt but there are two different types. There is physical pain and emotional pain. Of course, right off the top of your head, you think getting cut open would hurt so much more than a broken heart. In reality, they both leave scars. The difference being you see the physical scar on someone you first meet. The emotional scar is hidden under the surface. You've got to prove you won't deepen that scar before you actually see it. If you still think physical pain hurts worse, you've never truly had your heart broken.

Trust:
" Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do. - Benjamin Spock "

It's not guaranteed. There are people who trust no matter what. Very few people in this world are guarded but occasionally, you find one of those few. They are not to be looked down upon. They are not to be rejected but given just enough time to tear down those walls. Lies build up these walls and only the truth can tear them down. Only the truth can free the heart again.

Understanding:
"You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”

Putting yourself in another person's situation; seeing it through their eyes; making sure you understand the situation well enough. Shoving yourself and your entire being into the concept to grasp it completely. You will then truly understand. Giving yourself to someone else is something most of us don't understand but as people, it's what we're all out looking for. That one person who understands you completely.

Innocence:
" “For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”- Ralph Waldo Emerson"

Innocence is the one thing we only receive once. It's gone for good once it's gone. There is no turning back, once you loose sight of your values, forgiveness doesn't matter much in your head.

Are you a leader or a follower? Do you follow your head or someone else's? The world is full of leaders. The world is also full of followers. You choose which one you are. You pick once. When you decide to be a leader, you have strong views and stand your ground. When you decide to be a follower, your foundation is shaky and you're never really sure what to do or what is "right". Getting lost in a sea of insecurities could ruin a person. Anyone could see that some of us crave love because we need it. Others crave it because they feel as if they want it. Very few don't crave it all because they've never experienced it. But, once they do, it's almost an addiction.

Give your heart a break somethings. The more hurt you run from, the more you'll find. The more perfect you want something, the worse it will be. Guard your heart and never let it break. It's hard to believe this if you've never experienced pain, but once you experience it, you'll never let yourself feel it again.

"I self destruct every relationship so that I don't get hurt... but in truth I just hurt myself worse in the long run.."

Jealousy:

“Never waste a minute of your precious life by squandering it thinking about people you don't like”

Everything changes. The table's turned and now it's the state of confusion. It's the bump in the road. What's the next step you wonder? None of us really know. We don't know who to turn to. You've felt this emotion before, and to be honest, you're quite familiar with it. You begin shutting everyone out again. It's your weakness. You're a strong person but everyone has a weakness. No one wants to face their weakness, no one wants to conquer it, and no one knows how to do either of these. You begin to let go of your strength and let the weakness flood through your veins. You let your weakness get the best of you. Jealousy roars through your body. You can't contain it. You feel as if you open up, you might explode. You feel anger and hate towards just about everyone. You begin to loose sight of who you really are and become that someone you swore you would never be. You swore you wouldn't do the things you're doing but hey, it's never too late. Turn everything around and be the person you want to be. Who says otherwise?

History:
"Even the knowledge of my own fallibility cannot keep me from making mistakes. Only when I fall do I get up again." - Vincent van Gogh

Living with your past on your heart. People bringing up old scars can be an intense struggle. People trying to see what's really inside your heart. They try to find the pain you have covered up. The covering you've built over time to guard your heart. The covering that is so thick and so far from transparent. It's grown and grown thicker over time. No one knows how to pull apart the layers slowly to see it. No one sticks around long enough. Every once in a while, someone will peel back a layer and as soon as they walk away, that layer and another one piles on. It's inevitable. You can't change a person but you can change the way that person sees you.

Every little thing.

My box used to be so pretty. It used to shine like the sun. Over time, that changed. I made changes in my life to fit in or to because I thought it would make me feel better. I chose paths I knew weren’t right. I began following someone other than God. My pretty little box started to rip and it lost its shine. It had hand prints everywhere and it had tears on every edge. I wasn’t ready to give it all up yet. I didn’t know the tears were only getting bigger as time went on. I didn’t realize how far I’d gone until it finally happened. My pretty little box was gone in the blink of an eye. I couldn’t take it back, the mistake. My once ripped little box was gone. It was in a stranger’s hands. It wasn’t with someone I loved or thought I loved, it was with a stranger. My little heart really couldn’t take much more after that. I’d had another chance at forgiveness until you decided to use me, without my permission. You knew exactly what you were doing, and you just didn’t care. I lost my most prized possession the day I gave away my box. That box had meant the world to me, up until that day. I didn’t realize how big of an effect it would have on me. I didn’t want anyone to know it bothered me wither because I freely chose what I did. I gave that box away with my own two hands. I let it all go without second guessing myself. I had dug myself so deep into a dark place. It felt like it was the only way out. Did it make me feel any better? No. Did it make me feel worse? Yes. I’d never been more ashamed going to school when everyone knew. It felt like I was walking around naked. Everyone knew about it all and there wasn’t anything I could do to hide it.

My faith began to die that day. My faith used to be hard as stone. I would never question it. I would never second guess anything. My foundation began getting shaky as time went on. My heart feels pain like it never has before. I still love you God. I’ll never give up on you because you’ve never given up on me. You never let me down. You’ve stood beside my side and made sure I always knew you were there, ever since I can remember. You’ve been there. I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry for the times I’ve disappointed you. I’m sorry for the choices I made that I knew were wrong. I took your forgiveness for granted. I took your love for granted. I let go of my relationship with you. I put wrong before right. I did what I thought was right in the moment. I didn’t think of the aftermath. I forgot about the attachment. I tried pushing myself to see if I could overcome my weakness.

Our minds go through a million emotions a day; pain, joy, sadness, jealousy, love, anger, hate, or confusion. These are only a few. Our bodies go through a variety of changes. Some of us are moody and others are not. Some of us show emotion very well, while others hide from it all. Embracing your emotions can be extremely hard for some people. Opening up to someone or trusting someone is quite difficult. Trusting the person who hurt you is also a very difficult task. Forgiving the person who hurts you the most though, shows true strength. Losing someone you care about is also painful, whether its death or they choose to walk out of your life. The experiences we go through everyday are quite complicated.

Now, you’re here. You’re someone to me. You make me happy and honestly, I feel safe. I love being in your arms. I love seeing your smile. I love the way you make me feel, as if being me is finally good enough. Every time two people care about each other, pain is coming. Everyone experiences their fights, the tears, the smiles, the kindness, and the care. Every time you get that funny feeling in your stomach, it’s real. Being with someone again can be difficult but we all get through it. After being down for so long, it’s hard to get back up. That’s when you came into my life. You’ve flooded my heart with kindness. It’s almost too good to be true. The way your skin feels against mine. The way your touch sends chills through my entire body. The way your smile can warm my heart. The way I get butterflies every time I get a text or e-mail from you. The way your eyes make everything better. The way you want to be different in my life. The way I want to make you happy is by far the scariest thing. I don’t want to mess up. I don’t want you to leave. I could be in your arms forever. I use to be afraid of getting hurt again but I don’t feel that way this time. It means something to me this time. It warms my heart and tickles my stomach. The way you kiss me can brighten my day and I love the way my body fits into yours. It always feels right. The ways your smile can make me smile. It’s almost unreal. The way you feel when you’re happy or when I know I’m doing something right. I also love how you can always tell when something is wrong and you just want to fix it. The way you open your heart to me and I really just want to protect you from getting hurt.

Finding that one person who makes you weak in the knees or makes it hard for you to breathe, that’s a person worth not letting go. If you’re one who struggles with running away, that’s okay. You’re not alone. Never letting someone in close enough to your heart, it’s exactly what we all face. Keeping your heart hidden from everyone, it’s just guarding yourself from the pain. It’s the pain in your stomach or the pain in your heart. It’s the lump in your throat and the tears welling up. It’s the fears in your head or the songs in your mind. The things you can remember make it so much tougher to get by; so much harder to give up. The fights we endure for the people we care about or the pain we endure to be a part of them is just part of falling for someone. Pushing your way through the doubts clouding your thoughts or the fears clouding your vision is just a test of your strength.

Being close to someone can scare the life out of most people. Can you do it? Can you embrace your fear, let down the walls, and let someone in? If you can, congratulations. Most people really can’t and that’s okay. We let someone in and before getting to close, you push them away a little more. They gain a step forward and you push them two steps back. You’re afraid to love again. You’re afraid to believe in happiness again. You don’t want the pain again. You keep telling yourself that pain is coming again. There’s a voice in your head pushing your self-esteem down. The voice tells you that you aren’t good enough and to give up already. It sits in your head long enough to take over your mind. It tells you that you don’t deserve happiness. But you do! You start convincing yourself that maybe you do. You get caught in the middle of being worth it and not worth it. You can’t form a right decision. That’s when you give up and almost lose hope. But, we are all worth it. People need to realize this. We can’t lose sight of the great in our lives. Everyone has a spark inside their soul and it’s just looking for a certain someone to make that spark shine so bright. EMBRACE IT.

Why.

Why? It’s a question I deal with almost every day of my life. It’s a serious question in my head right now. Why did I let myself go that far? Why didn’t I protect my heart like I said I would? Why didn’t I protect myself from the pain I’d felt so many times before? Why didn’t I run? Why didn’t I leave you? Why didn’t I do what I knew what was best for me? Why didn’t I just leave you with her and let you be happy? Why did I interrupt in your life? Why did I believe every lie you told me? Why did I take a chance on you when I knew that wasn’t right? Why did I let your eyes get to me? Why did I let your smile brighten my day? Why did I let you make me so angry? Why did I let you take my heart and hold it? Why did I show you sides of me I never showed anyone else? Why didn’t I just let go when I should’ve? Why didn’t I let go when I knew I was supposed to? Why didn’t I just walk away, it’s what I’m good at. Why didn’t I just let you go use some other girl? Why did I let you play with my heart and my mind? Why did I let you get to me? Why did I let you know how I felt? Why did I want you always around me? Why did I tell you things I knew I would regret? Why did I do things I knew I would regret? Why didn’t I use my strength to my advantage? Why did I let my weakness take over? Why did I fall for that mistake again? Why did I live with lies? Why did I pour my heart to you only for you to rip it down? Why did I lose it all when I had just built it back up? Why did I let you control my happiness? Why did I believe you when you said you were happy? Why didn’t I listen when I told myself I could never make you happy? Why did I let you have control of my life..?

Settling with Disappointment.

Emotions are the faults we hide from. I’ve been running, trying to be strong, and trying to grow independent. It was my choice to prove to you how much I didn’t need you. It was my choice to leave you out of my life. It was my choice to say good-bye. It was my choice to close and end things for good. But it wasn’t the choice I wanted. I tested myself. I tested myself to make sure I didn’t cry. I tested myself to make sure I wouldn’t miss you. I tested myself to make sure I wouldn’t need you. I tested my limits. I tested everything in my power. I tested my strengths and weaknesses.

You are my weakness. You are everything weak inside of me. You know how to break me down. You know how to melt my heart. I put up walls when you left me the first time and I promised myself I wouldn’t let those walls down. I promised myself and God I would never fall again. I promised myself I’d be stronger for myself and for the people around me. Everyone has that someone who can tear down everything and see them bare. I feel naked when you look me in the eye. It’s as if everything I was hiding, busts out. It’s inevitable. I can’t stop it and you’re the only one who can do that to me. I don’t know how to make the emotions stop from swelling and bursting. I can’t make the pain go away.

You bring pain into my life. You bring heartbreak into my life and most importantly, you bring loneliness back into my life. You make me feel as if I’ll never be loved and that no one will ever care about me. Once I let the walls down, it’s so hard to build them back up. I become vulnerable. And I have you to thank for that. I become this little girl who needs someone to hold her. I can’t breathe and I can’t feel my heart.

But when you’re around, all I feel is happiness. I need you by my side. I need you as a comfort. I need you as a shield hiding from the world. You protect my heart. When you are around, I feel the loneliness begin to separate from my heart. I feel the light return into my life and all I feel is joy. Seeing your face, lights up my world. Seeing you smile makes my heart jump. Seeing you cry, makes me hurt. Hearing your voice is something I could never get sick of. Seeing you in love breaks my heart. But, seeing you happy, makes me happy. As you walk up to me, my knees buckle. As you leave me, my knees buckle again just for a different reason.

Watching you walk away is one of the many challenges I face when you leave. I could sit at home and cry and miss you, but I know that isn’t what you want. You want me to go out and be happy. You want me to live my life as if you were never in my life and had never caused any harm. You don’t want the pain in my life and you want the best for me. I know you better than the back of my hand and I believe you when you tell me that. I know you look out for my heart when nobody else is. I know you love me in a different way. I know the way you feel about me is uncontrollable and I know you living far away from me isn’t your choice. You know how to make my heart smile even though you don’t do anything. You know how to light up a room. Your presence just makes every around feel happy. If you understood the way I needed you, you’d realize that it’s not a want. It’s not a need. It’s just something my heart yearns for. If I could see you every day, I promise you’d realize the way I feel. I can say I love you because there isn’t another way to express it. We don’t have words in the human dictionary to describe the way I feel. There isn’t a way to put into words all the emotions that come aroused when you come around. I’ve thought of everything, everything.

I’ve thought of every way to be with you sand every way to love you in the way you’ll let me. I know the way you feel could never possibly be the way I do and I know, one day I’ll be okay. I know that you’ll always be my Prince Charming and its fine with me. I’m just fine with that. I don’t need someone to hold me anymore. I’ve grown up from that and I don’t need you in my life. My heart needs you though. My heart reaches for the stars because of you. You make me feel lighter. And I can’t express anything to you. It’s impossible to give you the satisfaction you want. But I would try.